rush.

I went running today. I'm trying to go every day. I went about two and a half miles, and I loved every step of it.

I love the rush.

The rush of wind through my ponytail. The rush of cars as they go by.

The rush of the sunset; the beauty overwhelms.

The rush of the scent of newly cut grass for the first time. It parallels the sensation of crunching leaves for the first time, the tingle of the first footprint in the snow, the satisfaction of the first tan line of summer.

The rush of sweating in the cool of the evening.

The rush of conquering the hill that you should have dominated you.

The rush of the finish line that is in reality only the peak of my driveway.

I didn't wear my contacts today, and it helped me focus. It was just me and the sidewalk, because it was all i could really focus on. Faces, cars, houses, all a blur. It gave me a rush.

I love that when i run, its just me and my body. My senses are acute. I'm oddly in tune with my flesh. I'm aware of each limb, every muscle, all my senses are heightened. Each breath invigorates. Each glance reveals something new. Each step not only gets me closer to my original goal, but helps to establish a new goal for tomorrow.

I never run with music. I enjoy listening to the deplorable, yet adorable sound of birds chirping.

I hear each footstep. The longer I run, the more my steps echo in my head.

Its just me, my stamina, my speed, my breath, my goals.

Thats the kind of rush you can't get anywhere else.

My News

So I've been insanely tired lately. Not just the...i hate school i don't want to go kind of tired. Its like, I can't do anything besides sleep. Nothing seems better than sleep. Its really been interferring with my life.

Turns out there's a reason.

I have a "whopping case of mono."

I've had it for over a month now, so they don't think its contagious anymore. But it'll be prevalent for another two to four weeks.

I got off easy, apparently. Sometimes, mono makes one really really sick. Jes Wilson, for example. She was in the hospital, lost about 30 lbs. Robert got super sick last year when he had it too. But I'm just absurdly tired.

I never understood robert when he said "I can't wake up." You just open your eyes, and get out of bed. Its not that hard. But I completely understand it now. I literally CAN'T sometimes.

I do have a doctor's note that will get me out of virtually anything. Its going to excuse all my 1st period tardies for the last month, and for the next few weeks. And if I can't make it to something at night or after school or something, I'm excused. I'm not going to take advantage of it, though I thoroughly could. Its just nice to know what it is. I wanted to tests to come back negative, but its nice to just...know. Now at least people can't just accuse me of being lazy. I have a legit reason.

Well, thats my saga. All I do is sleep. I'm behind in all my classes, because I just sleep. My priorities have changed, because sleep has become more important. Its terrible.

The end. :)

I've known you in every life I've lived.

I just want to sy a quick thanks to the people who have always been there. I haven't stuck with the same crowd over the years, and I know I won't in the future. But there are some people who have always been there for ME.

I hung out with Eric Davies the other day, and i hadn't for a really long time. We talked about how we have the kind of friendship where we can not even talk for six months, then hang out like we never stopped.

I'm not going to name people. But I just want certain people to know, even though no one besides Nick reads this, that I appreciate the understanding, and their constant presence in my life.

I like change, I yearn for change, I strive and thrive on change. But because of this, I am constantly in dire need of something contant.

Thanks.

The Future Freaks Me Out.

I'm going to use all song lyrics as titles from now on. They're a lot easier to think of than something witty, relevant, and entertaining. Thus, you get Motion City Soundtrack.

Frequently while growing up, my parents would make comments to the effect of "You'll thank me when you're older." "You're get it when you're older." "It won't matter until you're older." "Remember this, because you'll be able to look back on it when you're older." References to the future were abundant. It seemed that as long as I kept my eye on what was coming, my life would be a success. I would be different when I got to high school, I though. Things would change. I believed there was some sort of line where my life would suddenly cross over into my anticipated "future."

That hasn't happened. Its not going to happen.

I'm the exact same person I was when I was five. I'm more mature, I've had many more experiences, I don't look exactly that same.

But I'm the SAME person. I think the same way, for the most part. I still live in the same place.

I didn't just...become a concert pianist. A testimony wasn't given to me. I'm not devastatingly good looking. Close, but not quite. Ha.

As I child, I looked at those older than me, and tried to imagine what my "future" would be like. The Madrigals inspired awe in me. The kids in high school looked so old!

But I've realized that I was living in the future. Instead of living in the past, like many people do, I was living in the future. At my young women leader's house, there is a magnet on her fridge that says "Life is no about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

If I wanted to have the future I saw for myself, I had to work THEN to have it later. My parents failed to mention this to me. Maybe they did, and I just took it the wrong way.

And now I'm here. Am I where I though I would be at this point in my life? Am I the senior in high school that I was aiming for?

Yeah. I am. In the past few years, I realized that I need to live in the present, but keep my peripherals on the future. I made decisions that I needed to in my life. I may have made them for the wrong reasons, but they got me here.

For example: my GPA. I tried really hard in school because I was insanely depressed. I suffered from depression through most of junior high. Its still in issue. But that's a topic for another day. So, I needed to have something that could give me a sense of accomplishment. I became an over-achiever to compensate for other things I believed were lacking in my life.

Since then, my motives have changed. Now, I enjoy a challenge. I like to push myself. I like to see how well I can do. I know I'm not the best, but I don't need to be. I do it for me. I didn't realize the benefits that would come down the road, but working my hardest is really starting to pay off.

Another example, but in direct opposition. My musical training began when I was 8. I took piano lessons from a woman in my ward. My parents made me. After a few years, I decided I wanted to be really good. I switched teachers, and I started to progress. I always imagined being amazing. I'd wanted to be the Madrigal pianist since I saw them come to my school in elementary. I wanted to be amazing. I never took the time to get there, though. I assumed it would just...happen when I got into high school. But kids, it doesn't. I now regret my poor practice habits for so many years.

The future is going to come. But today is yesterday's future. What did I do last week to prepare for right now? What am I doing right now to prepare for next year? Lots of things. But I'm not getting caught up in what's to come. College is in a few months, but right now is high school. I can't lose sight of that just because I want to focus on the future. Progress starts now, not at the designated finale.

Improve The Shining Moments

Each day has exactly 24 hours. I sleep, or at least I should, for 8 of those. This leaves me with 16 hours to do whatever I feel like. This could be robbing a bank, cliff diving, playing the piano, learning a new language, cleaning, driving, people watching, eating, or even just sitting.

What do I do with my 24 hours? Or more importantly, the 12 shining hours. Today, the sun will be up for slightly less than 12 hours. Why not make those hours significant? Why not have every moment be a shining moment?

1. Improve the shining moments;
Don't let them pass you by.
Work while the sun is radiant;
Work, for the night draws nigh.
We cannot bid the
lengthen out their stay,
Nor can we ask the shadow
To ever stay away.

That's the first verse to an LDS hymn that I love. I appreciate it because it doesn't profess the need for perfection. It's about constant improvement, and taking advantage of each day. We all have the capacity to constantly be accomplishing something. But when night comes, I often have a hard time letting it go, and relaxing. I know my sleep would be more beneficial if I just let myself...sleep. Take full advantage of the shining hours of the day, as to not have to invade your night with the worries and tasks of the day.

As each day ends, a new one is just waiting to begin. Pretend like each day knows nothing about the day before. Don't carry baggage. It doesn't matter what happened previous to the present. If things went wrong, it doesn't mean they will again. If things went right, it doesn't mean they will again, and visa versa. Each day, we need to work to become closer to the person we want to be.

Every day, I'm given the opportunity to improve myself and my surroundings. Every day, I have the chance to be productive, effective, and efficient. Why am I not doing more with my life? Why am I behind on poetry responses? I have plenty of time in the day to do everything.

I'm not saying that each and everyday has to be better than the last. Because we all know it won't be. I'm just saying that personally, getting a new perspective on time would increase my happiness.

I've started making to do lists. I got a day planner. I write EVERYTHING down. I hate forgetting to be somewhere, or forgetting to do something. And the wonderful thing about list making is that it gives one the sense of accomplishment when one can cross something off.

You don't have to do everything in one day. No one expects you to. But just try to do what you can. Prioritize. Take advantage of every moment you have. Make each moment a shining moment.

This is not where I was planning on going with this at all. Thus, I'll redirect.

Every day, each and every one of us has good things in our lives. I call these shining moments. We need to learn to appreciaite them and take advantage of all the good.

For example, my mom makes me breakfast every single morning. She brings it to my room while I'm in the shower. Sometimes, I don't have time to eat it. But despite that, I know that it will always be there. This is one good thing in my life that I don't always notice.

Make the most of the good. Improve those moments. Recognize those in your life that put those shining moments there for you. Make shining moments for others. Cherish them. Notice them. Make those the central focus of your life, not the bad. Improve your shining moments, and I can guarantee you that your life will be better.

Valentine's Day

I told you I was going to blog, and I didn't lie to you. I haven't had time, but here I am. In my phone, my note pad is FULL of things I want to blog about. Well that's actually a lie. Because I got a new phone today. But my OLD phone has a notebook full of ideas.

I haven't gotten a new phone in a very long time. I now have a back to my phone, a charger, and a lense in my camera, all of which were lacking previously. And it was free! Its a great day.


So the most valentine's-ey thing I could think to write about, due to my lack of a valentine, is to explain what kind of boy is "my type." My new "type" came about as I realized that I need to be the type of person that I'll eventually marry. Not that I'm thinking about marriage, but you marry those you date. So I'm trying to become the kind of person I'm looking for.

The kind of guy I want is very down to earth. Never uptight, but knows that there is a time and place for everything. Being able to relax is important. A guy has got to be down to earth and reasonable. Having a good perspective on life is one of the most valuable things you can have.

I have a good work ethic, and its important to me. A live with a boy who has zero motivation, and I can't stand it. A guy needs to have his priorities straight, and be willing to work for what he considers important.

A huge factor for me is eye contact. If you can look me in the eye, it tells me that you value yourself, and that you respect me and what I have to say. Confidence in yourself and your ideas is very attractive. Look the world head on. Be yourself, and let me discover who that is.

I have big personality. I'm attracted to similar people. I want to be able to learn something new about you every day. I want to be able to be crazy and loud sometimes. I want you to voice your opinions, but also be able to listen to mine. I want someone who can be really deep, but doesn't try to contantly be philosophical (....Thatcher chimes in..."where's kent?").

I need someone who is going places. I have a friend who is dating a boy that might not graduate, yet alone go to college. He's a great guy, and we're friends, but I could never be with someone who isn't going anywhere. Progression is huge. I try to become a better person every day. I set goals for myself, and try to get one step closer to becoming that person I WILL be one day. I know who I want to be, and I know how to get there. Its just taking time. I need someone who is also willing to work on themselves, and be willing to accept help. At the same time, they need to be able to support me in my endeavors, no matter how small. A goal is a goal, no matter how small. I need someone willing to evaluate themselves, and constantly strive to become even better. Even if you aren't the person I need right now, I want to be able to see that you're on your way. I'm no where near where I want to be, but I'm getting closer every day.

There are only so many hours in the day. I used to just wish there were more. But I've accepted that there can't be, and instead resolved to make the most of EVERY single minute. I've become a lot more organized and prioritized. I make a lot of lists now. I get a lot done every day, and I'm able to cross things off my list regularly. Its a great feeling, to see that list become smaller.

Back to subject: knowing who you want to be can be more important than who you are right now. Progression, willingness, and motivation can make or break a person.

I know looks don't matter, and I believe that now more than ever. Despite this, I still dig tall guys. I also tend to go for darker hair, but its really a case by case issue. And I've also come to realize that attitude really affects the way a person looks. An optimistic, confident person is much more attractive than one who is wallowing in self doubt and pity. Its okay to have bad days and hard times, we all do. But I've decided its better to realize that tomorrow is a new day, and even more, today isn't over. So what if the first half of the day blew? I can still take advantage of the rest of the 24 glorious hours I've been given.

Other things that really matter to me are punctuality, optimism, and intelligence.

On other boy news, I asked Thatcher to Sweethearts. He killed the fish, but the ledgend of Sir Francis Drake still lives on. But yeah, I'm pretty excited about it. I actually got my dress AND shoes for under 15 dollars. World record, yeah? I got the dress last summer, intending to wear it to homecoming. Who can pass up a ten dollar dress? Not I. So i got it, and didn't get asked to homecoming. So we kept it, changed it a little and made it more sweethearts-ish, and i'm ready to go. It'll be really fun. I've sincerely missed spending time with that group of kids, especially him. I've always wanted to ask him to a dance, but this is the first time I felt I actually could without him thinking I was crazy.

Well, that's all for today. I'll blog this weekend. Promise.

"Even if you don't appreciate what she does, you should appreciate that she does it."

I went to the region drill competition this week. I have a friend who's sister is on the team. I texted him and asked him why he wasn't there supporting her. he replied by simply saying "that kind of dancing is dumb." i agree, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to support them. this same sister then placed third in the drill down, which is a really big deal. when i informed him, he said "yawn." i was fairly upset at him. even if he doesn't enjoy watching that kind of dancing, and even if he isn't willing to go, the support system should still be there.

in my family, i have always had a very strong support system. my family is very musical, so sibling concert attendance has been regular since i was small. i know that not everyone has a family this strong, but i still feel that support isn't an option in a family.

the bonds within a family are something completely unique. we don't choose our families here on earth, but according to my beliefs, i think our families are predestined to be together. i have a very strong personal example of me and robert. i know that we were meant to be here together. we've needed eachother. many times, he has been able to be there for me physically, emotionally, and in other, indescribable ways. we aren't identical twins, but we still have that special connection, and we have for as long as i can remember.

whether or not you believe familes are "meant" to be together or not, it doesn't change the fact that the ties of family cannot be broken. the bonds of marriage can, but that can never change the titles of son, daughter, mother, father, brother, or sister.

i have one younger sister. she is the youngest in the family, and thoroughly fills the generic role of the youngest child. she's slightly spoiled, can be a brat, but has also figured out a lot of things by watching us, and seems to handle her life a little better than we all did.

this same little sister has also learned to push buttons. very very well. she probably learned from watching her older siblings interact, and has taken the best of each of her methods to create the ultimate system. but this is all besides the point. the fact is that no matter how much she bugs me, i still love her. and even if i didn't, i would still be there if she needed it.

i know most of my friends a lot better than i know my oldest sister. she moved out of the house about 5 or 6 years ago, and when she lived here, we were never close. but regardless of this, i would take a bullet for her long before i would take one for a close friend.

why is this? because we're family.


the family is the basic unit of society. if families can't even hold themselves together, what hope is there for larger, more complex bodies in our community? if peace can't be reached within a home, why do we even bother trying to create peace elsewhere? home should be a haven. even if your actual home isn't a haven due to certain circumstances, everyone should have a place, whether it be physical or metaphoric, to get support. when we are at our most vulnerable point, when we reach our breaking point, when there is no where else to turn, family should be there. family should be the FIRST place to go, not the last. i honestly don't belive there are any excuses to not do your part in helping create that support system for your family.

i love my family. even if you don't, this blog still applies. even though you may not appreciate who they are, you should still appreciate that they ARE. that should be enough.

i'm back.

i'm back. in more ways than one. I haven't posted for nearly a year, and a lot has changed since then.

i'm going to start blogging more. maybe not regularly, but often. i need feedback from people, and this is where i seem to get the best help. the blog community seems to understand me, and embrace me. i like it here, and i've missed you guys.

i''m not really sure where to start. i'm trying to decide if i want to do this chronologically, or just a general update. i think i'll maybe combine the two.

so the last time i posted, i was pretty confused, and miserable. i'm a lot happier now, and a lot more stable.

summer after junior year was a huge transition period for me. i was gone for the whole month of June, and when i came back, everything was just different. i had been dating a boy from cottonwood since about february or march, and i decided it was ridiculous for me to be dating someone. thats so not me. and there were things about him that i couldn't really handle anymore. so we broke up, and he moved to las vegas. its a fairly long story, but after that ended, i started to get things back on track.

i started to spend a lot less time with my friends. i'm going to try my very best not to name names in this post, but no promises. some of my friends changed just as much as i did during june, but in an opposite way. they started to drag me down. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was a really really bad summer. i was honesty more miserable than i've ever been.

during this time, i started being a little less active in church. i still went, but not always, and rarely willingly. i'm not going to get into the spiritual side of all this, but thinking back on all this, i know i could feel something trying to bring me down, and he was succeeding.

near the middle of august, i began to hang out with my "crew" that consisted of me, emily stephens, doug may, and dallin martin. we spent every day together, and had the best of times. i finally had a group of friends who understood me, and had similar goals as me. i was happy for the first time in months.

school started. i stayed on top of things, and everything was awesome. there was an absurd amount of drama within the sbos. i couldn't handle it. i cried a lot, but i had my crew to fall back on. me and emily stuck together, but school was making it a lot harder to hang out.

on top of the stress from sbo, madrigals was killing me. i've never felt confident on the piano, and i never will. i felt, and still feel, ridiculously under-qualified for my position.

things went on like this for awhile, and then december hit. my life was gone, but i was so glad. i got to spend every day with 24 kids that i knew would be a good influence on me. it was during this month that i began to figure stuff out. i finally felt accepted in the group. previously, i'd always felt left out because i was always just at the piano, and i'm not as talented as everyone else in the group. i got to be friends with a lot of kids i'd wanted to be friends with for a long time, but never felt that i could. it was an awesome experience.

december proved to be similar to june for me, in that my friends changed as much as i did. they spent all their time together without me, and somehow went downhill whilst i was away. when i tried to return, i just couldn't handle being with them. they have all these really dumb inside jokes, and they tend to be fairly vulgar. they entertain themselves by mocking other people, and be doing dumb, pointless things. i'm pretty sure they forgot how to be productive members of society. i began to spend a lot less time with them.

new years eve was my breaking point. since 9th grade, me and my friends have celebrated the new year with a dance party at bethany's house. she informed me that her house was not an option this year, so it was decided that the party would be at my house. first, i asked everyone if they would be interested, and got all "aye's" from my friends, so the plans commenced. that day, we stocked up at walmart, and set up rock band. it should have been awesome.

about two hours after the party SHOULD have started, there were only about 6 people here. i was so confused. the worst part was that it was all the people i didn't really want there, and i had only invited out of tradition. the people i actually enjoy being with didn't show up.

it turns out that bethany DID have a party. she invited the people i wanted at my party, and left everyone else to come to mine. robert even went to hers. she claimed she didn't invite me because i was already having a party....but as you can see, her logic is flawed.

around 11, the people who came to my house ended up leaving. i was left alone at my house, sitting in my room at midnight. darren gardner ended up coming to my rescue about a half hour later, and we hung out for a few hours.

after that night, i knew something had to give. something was wrong. so i decided to read my scriptures. i haven't read my scriptures regularly since sophomore year. i'm not sure why this happened, but it did. i spent time doing homework and playing piano that i would normally spend being with my friends. i went to bed earlier, and i got up earlier. i read my scriptures whenever i remembered. i didn't skip seminary once.

its been a few weeks now, and i'm so happy. i finally know what i want, and who i want to be. i actually like who i am now, and its the same person i was about 3 years ago. i've done my best to rekindle friendships i thought were lost, and i've down even BETTER ending friendships that have been dragging me down for over a year. i'm reshuffled my priorities.

for now, church is my number one priority. i forgot how happy it makes me. i'm still struggling with regularity, but i'm doing the very best i can, and thats all i can ask of myself. I'm in my last month as laurel's president, and i'm going to make it the best one. when they called me, i thought it must be a joke. the young women's president told me that when she was praying about who to call, and she got my name, she thought it had to be wrong, and went to to ask about each other girl, and eventually came to terms that it had to be me. i told them that my schedule would get in the way of attending most activities etc, but i was told that it was okay. this calling has done wonders for me. i started going again out of obligation, but i soon began to remember how much i love it.

school sort of fell to the back burner for a few weeks, and this term was one of the very hardest to pull off a 4.0. i didn't understand how my friends could goof off as much as they could and still keep their grades up. then, i realized that they didn't. all of my friends have let their grades slip. i wasn't going to sacrifice that many years of hard work for a few nights of fun. i worked crazy hard, and i'm on top of things again.

family. we had family night for the first time in years tonight. it was pretty awesome. they make me play piano for the hymn, and i insisted on a christmas song. we had a lesson on forgiveness. then i dominated at battleship, and then we had scones. robert had like 7.

so yeah. i'm back. i'm marissa again. i've realized that its not worth it to sacrifice joy for "happiness." i thought i was happy because i was accepted by the kids that i thought were cool. but i forgot to bring myself along. i became a person i didn't like. i had momentary happiness, but i was utterly miserable.

now, i'm joyful. true joy is so different than happiness. i like who i am, and things are only going to get better from here. I'm super excited to graduate, and get away from everything. i'll be going to USU in the fall. i love cold. and its far enough away that i can be myself, but close enough that i can run home to my mom if i need to. i haven't decided what exactly i want to do, but i did decide that i'm going to try and get into the music program. i didn't think i would, because i've never thought i was good enough. but then i remembered that there are more regular people out there than prodigies. college is still school, and school is meant to learn. and thats what i want to do.

so i'm back. if i gave any of you a hard time, or was rude, or wasn't myself, its because i wasn't. i'm not sure where i went, but i'm back. :) thanks for those of you that stuck with me. if you read this whole thing, i've very impressed. my future ones will be mucho shorter, because i won't have to recap a whole year.

forever

Okay. No one reads this any more, and I really just need to vent. Screw word choice and sentance fluency. I'm just gonna write.

I don't like change. I just want things to be how they used to be. There was one time in my life that i was completely happy with my situation, and it was sometime in ninth grade. No one was mad at me, and I was friends with everyone that i wanted to be. Then i started falling away from some, and falling more into another group. Now that group seems to be abandoning me. I didn't believe anyone when they told me high school changes everything. All my friends are doing things i know they shouldn't. I'm not going to follow them. Thats not me. I'm not going to swear. I'm not going to sluff (too much). I'm not going to go make out with random boys. I'm not addicted to shopping. I still get along with my parents. Moreso now, actually, than ever before. I feel like i don't belong anywhere. It seems like i'm an acquaintance to everyone. There's only one boy I really like, and he talks to me about his girl problems all the time. And i'm definitely involved in any of them. Sadly enough, I lost this one to the same girl I lost thatcher to. Its really frustrating to just think about. But this boy is one of my best friends. I can't tell him i still like him, it might mess things up. And I don't want to loose yet another friendship. I want to fit in, but not with the "in crowd" or whatever. I just want to fit in with my FRIENDS. I'm the one they keep around just to make fun of. I can't seem to do anything right. Everything i do with them is somehow wrong. I don't get it. They all like, know something that i don't. I don't know. I just hate it. During lunch, i walk around, and see all these people i know, but i'm not really friends with. Yeah, i can stop and say hi, but i don't fit in. I've become the random girl. Every once in awhile, I'll find some people i can really chill with, but usually I'm alone. And i'm sick of it.

Relationships. Yeah, i want one. I'm not gonna lie. They're nice. Just to know someone cares about you. And you don't have to worry about them not liking you back or whatever. I just want someone to talk to. About anything. I want to get that feeling again. That "bah" feeling. I want to fall in love. I just want to hold hands with the boy i really like. And just sit. and feel good about myself. Yeah, i like dating around and all, but I'm usually the one taking the boy on the date. I'm just not that girl that every boy wants to take out. I just want one. I only need one. But my mom pointed something out the other day, and it was reemphasized in seminary. I'm a game player. I'm in it for the chase. Once i get a boy, i tend to run the other way. I've only stuck around once, and it ended up hurting me. But at the same time, it was so wonderful. I just want to be cared about. I know i'm not the most beautiful girl, and i know i'm not a genius. But I try my best. I'm yet to find someone that really likes me for me. Every boy has too high of expectations. It seems to me like it should be the guys competing for the girls, but its backwards. Girls are just trying to catch boys. Its hard to find a good one, and when there is one, the girls flock. They follow. They obsess. And i always lose. I'm always just the friend. Or Robert's sister. Or the back up plan. Or the "other girl." I just want to be cared about. By one boy. I don't even have very high expectations. I just want a smart boy, that can really impress me with his words, and that can talk to me, and make sense, and be reasonable. Thats all i want.

church is so confusing right now. It seems like....school. You know when you fall behind? and you just have this feeling, in the back of your mind, all the time, that you just need to catch up. thats how i feel.

Thats all for now. I'll be back.

why?

i've played it a hundred times, perfectly. hours. but no, i can't play it just once. Cause i'm retarded.

is she serious?

two blogs in a row? this is mad! hahaha. But here I am. And here I shall be until 11:16 at least. I think tonight I'll talk about work.

I originally wrote this paragraph when i finished, but i'm moving up here.
ok wow, this wins for the lamest, most boring, pointless post EVER. no one has any reason EVER to read it. hahaha. But I couldnt think of anything else, and I have to write for 10 minutes. I can't concentrate on anything cause i'm tired and my feet hurt. hahaha. I have an idea of what to write about tomorrow though. It'll probably be more worth it.

yeah. So you probably don't want to read it. there's absoutely nothing beneficial in it. At all. but you can if you want.

I work at Vans. At Fashion Place Mall. I sell shoes. Lots of them. Good shoes. Like, the shoes that i think look really really hot on guys. And they're really comfy. And they don't cost all that much. 37 for shoes isn't very much, considering a lot of people pay like, 60. I mean, i shop at payless, so its a lot. But I get 50 percent off, so its chill.

I don't work very much. I work 2 days a week, tops. Seldomly 3, and often only one. hahaha. Thats like, 5 hours a week. I get 6.25 an hour. So thats like, including the crap they take out for taxes, 60 bucks a paycheck. Not too bad, considering that I work on those days that iusually do nothing but sit in front of the computer. ha.

And hot guys work there! Like I said, i like boys who wear vans. Expecially slip ons. ESPECIALLY checkerboard ones! haha. so, those kinds of boys come in there. obviously. So I like it. I know, i talk about hot boys too much, but i'm not gonna lie. Its a great perk.

The worst part about work is the whole not sitting down for 7 hours thing. Especially when I close. Like, my feet just hurt. everything about them just aches. I feel like I just ran 8 miles. And all i did was walk around. thats enough complaining though.

Another terrible part is mean people. I mean, come on. Its not my fault I don't have your size. honestly! and when I ask how you're doing today, you don't have to give me dirty looks. And if i accidentaly take out the left shoe for your fitting purposes instead of the right one, just settle down. Of if i measure your kids foot as a 10, and he needs a 10.5, its not a big deal. just take the shoe for what it is. wow.

you know, vans makes shoes for like, everyone. they carry shoes for newborns. up to a size 16 mens. thats huge! Most guys at like, a 10.5. most girls are about an 8. I used to think I had big feet, but apparently i've very normal.

test run.

okay. resurection of some sort i guess. I haven't written in this for a while. For a few reasons.
1) No one reads it.

2) I'm no author. My writing is lame. Incredibly.

3) I don't have anything interesting to say.


but for english, I'm supposed to write for 10 minutes a day. I can't just count my journal for english this whole year. So I'm gonna write in here again. The question is just how long it will take people to realize I'm blogging again. I only know of 3 people, tops, that even know I have a blog, yet alone read it. hahaha.

What to say, what to say. school maybe? We're gonna start this out in a very, very simple fashion. No fiction, no rhetoric. hahaha. stupid harward. okay. this is going to be boring, guarenteed.

class period uno. Student government. I kindof wish I had never run. Really. I'm not even sure why I did. hahaha. I'm not made to be the president of anything! I'm the loser nerdy girl who had no friends till like, 8th grade. at least. I'm the girl that the boys laughed out when they found out i had a crush on them. I'm the weird one who sits alone at lunch. And I've never even thought of myself as a real leader. Like, I love to be involved, and I have too much school spirit for my own good. But who says I'm qualified to lead our class? No idea where i even got the idea. hahaha. And the class is LAAAAAAAAAME. for reals. Its ridiculous.

dos. choir. I love it so much. wow. I've never take choir at school. I've always sung, but never as a class. I love it. hahaha. I love it when boys sing. Musicianship is SO attractive for a boy, and if they can sing, its just that much better. and i just love to sing. Music makes me who I am. Thats so cleche now a days, but its so true. Really. Music has made me who I am today. I grew up listening to my dad sing. It seems like i've always played the piano. Its just what I do. I'm marissa, always there to accompany, whatever. Whenever i'm frustrated, I go play piano and/or violin. Same with whem i'm sad. really happy/hyper. mad. anything. but wow, this has nothing to do with choir. Basically, i love it.

trois. seminary. I love seminary so much. wow. People think i'm kinda weird cause i'm always the girl that's really really really excited about seminary every day. I always put together the deviotional, and I play the piano half the time. And I'm the only person in my class that can play more than the lame hymns like sweet hour of prayer. I'm so sick of that hymn wow. hahaha. So I play, just so we can do funner songs. Yes, take that harward, I said funner. hahaha. So basically i love seminary. Its the bomb. The church is true. There's no denying it. It just makes me happy. It makes me look forward to eternity. Lately we've been talking about the plan of salvation. Well, we started yesterday. We started with pre earth life, and we just got to ask as many questions as we wanted. He said we can take as long as we want to get through the whole plan. I have SO many questions. I have them all written down to ask and stuff. Its so amazing. The church is just so awesome.

quatre. math. I don't like it. hahah. the end. I should actually be doing my math right now. :)

five. I love orchestra so much. Doc put me first chair. I'm not really sure why. I don't think i'm that good. I never have. I mean, I'm a junior. Amber Gile's has wanted to be first chair forever. Its like, her goal in life. And I took that from her. hahaha. I mean, I'd rather sit in the front than the back, but I don't think I deserve that. Maybe its not thatbig of a deal for you band folk, but there are like, 40 violins. And he thinks i'm the best in the whole school. Thats intense. I'm the one that stands up and plays the tuning note. Thats so intimidating, you don't even know. hahaha. I mean, what if I'm out of tune? I mean, this is a big responsability. hahaha. I'm probably making too big of a deal out of it, but, oh, i dont know. I just doubt myself when if comes to music. I've never been confident and I never will.

six. english. harward. wow. I think he just makes up words. like all these crazy things about sentance structure and the underlying meaning and crap. Maybe if he used words I understand, I'd like the class a lot more. But no. It just goes all right over my head. I'll get it eventually. hopefully.

seven. Well skippy, I think mr. rockwell's a hardcore stud. hahaha. Go BYU. oh darn.

eight is social dance. I love it so much. I already know how to waltz and stuff, so i feel really smart. hahahaha. But seriously, i love to ballroom dance. The first boy to take me ballroom dancing on a date, wow. Points for him. and there are some boys in there that i never would have exected to be able to dance. But i've been very impressed.


well, that's at least ten minutes. hahaha. i'll write better next time, i promise.

for you, nick.

I want: a popsicle.

I missed Nick.

Music is the bomb.

I like lots of boys. The only one you wouldn't know is jeremy. So I'll mention him.

Especially For You!

haha yeah. Thats right. Okay, EFY really stands for Especially For Youth. But I changed, for special purposes.

So, I got home from EFY on Saturday. I don't know why I haven't posted yet...but I'm finally getting around to it. Just for you Nick. Just for you.

So. In case you don't know what EFY IS. Its a week long camp. Not like, camp camp. We stay in dorms. Last year, I went to the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma Washington. This year, I went to BYU in Provo. I liked Tacoma better. It was smaller. There were only about 400 people there. This year, i had 1300 people in my session. It was ridiculous. But it was still wonderful.

I went with Katie Walkingshaw. She had never been before. It really was amazing. I probably bugged the crap out of her with my last night babbling. But she really was such a wonderful roommate. I freaking love her more than I did before. It was amazing to learn and grow with her. I got to know her better, and it was rad.

SO. Monday was check in. BYU is huge, and confusing. But we figured it out. My company name was No Man Knoweth. There were 18 guys and 22 girls. Last year, i had 18 total. haha. I met some really cool people. Maybe i'll put some pictures up later. We we met with out company and stuff, played games, ate food, the works. It was really fun.

Tuesday was super rad. Classes started that day. There were 8 teachers, and they each taught 4 classes for 2 days. There were some really good talks. There were also some very lame ones. lol. But I won't get into detail of all the talks. But the spirit was so strong in all those classes, it was amazing. I really learned a lot. And it seemed like all the teachers really understood teenagers, and it was nice.
That night there was a dance. Casual dress. I don't think any of you have a right to complain at a region dance about being hot. I was in a dance with thirteen HUNDRED people. It was absolutely insane. But I danced with some really cut boys, and got a really good workout. hahaha. I don't think i've gotten THAT into the boot scoot'n boogy in a long time. They make the girls and guys go home at different times. I'm not sure why. Maybe they think we're going to sneak off and make out? I'm not sure. When I got back to the dorms I was SO tired. wow. I woke up at 5 that morning to run. I was planning on doing that every morning. I only did it once, cause I was so tired. But I got a good 20 minutes of stairs. But still, I was beat. So, we had evening devotional, and went to sleep. We did synchronized lights-out, and it looked so cool!

Wednesday, there were classes again. I went to one of the best ones I've EVER been to. Sister Jones, wow. She's an amazing speaker. Before each of her classes, there was a mob outside, waiting to get in. People were getting hurt. I got in to her last class, and it really was amazing. Maybe I'll blog about what she talked about. I took good notes.
That night was games night. It was pretty much amazing. We had the cheer off, and I was like, the leader I guess. We took primary songs, and just stuck our name in. "I looked out the window and what did I see?! uhh..... No Man Knoweth!" and stuff. My calling in life is to be a Primary Chorister. haha. I was kicks and giggles. And I met a super hot kid in Creeping Things (another company). I was going to take a picture, but It was too dark. Oh well.

Wednesday night is pizza night. We ordered like, 5 pizzas. I ate more than any of the other girls. haha. It was pro. I can eat SO much, its ridiculous. And we got a video camera, and had a little walkway, and did a fashion show. It was pretty funny. I wanted to do the limbo, but we couldn't find a stick. It was SUCH a fun night.

Thursday is spiritual day. You wear sunday clothes all day. I wore my sparkly, spinny skirt. It was fun. But I hate not having pockets. So I wore my orange gym shorts underneath. So people would randomly see me lift my skirt up to get something out of my pockets. It was pretty funny. Hahaha. I was highly entertained, at least.

So, they separate the guys and the girls. We went to a devotional about womanhood and such. It really was amazing. Then we went and did an activity with the just the girls. We had the opportunity to turn in questions all week, and we had a panel that answered them all for us. There were some serious ones, and some funny ones. Like..."Is holding hands okay?" and "how do you make things less akward between you and the opposite sex?". The counselors are hilarious, and it was pretty good.
Next was the Variety Show. Like a talent show, but you don't necissarily have to be good. You just have to be different. It started out with a guy playing some instrument with his nose.... haha. yeah. I was going to take my violin, and fiddle, but I didn't. I wish I would have.

Thursday was Testimony meeting. It really was so amazing. I can't even describe it. I'm not a crier, but I was crying. The spirit was so strong. Last year, testimony meeting, at EFY was when I first REALLY gained a testimony. I'm not going to type out my testimony, But I'll let you all know that I KNOW this church is true. Theres nothing that could happen that would make me deny that. Its too wonderful not to be true. It makes too much sense not to be true. It makes me too happy not to be true. It was a wonderful night.

Friday was pretty much amazing. By Friday, you're friends with everything, so you just goof off. The Morning devotional was on dating and stuff. IT was prety hilarious. It was about "Satans Slippery Slide" and like, how far is okay to go with the opposite sex...but he did it in a way that was highly amusing, and very funny. It was pretty cool.

We did a service project. We tied fleece blankets. It was fun. haha. Not too exciting though.

The dance that night was AMAZING. wow. It seemed like it was a billion hours long, yet not too long. They played amazing music that you could really shake your groove thing to. haha. And just the right number of slow songs. It was nice to be with that many youth who all danced cleanly, and share your standards. huzzah.

Saturday was sad, I didn't want to go. I got email addresses and such. We went to the creamery on the campus one last time. And then I came home. haha.

The end.

okay, not really. That week was so amazing. It really helped me to re-analyze my life. I was doing a lot of stuff wrong. I'm really working on it all. Life is amazing, I don't understand why I didn't see it all before. This church is amazing. I'm not kidding. This church makes me love life. It makes me who I am. This church IS what I am. I'm a daughter of god. He loves me. He KNOWS me. ME. Thats huge.

okay, now its really the end.

a depressing point of view

i just realized something. every relationship i will EVER be in will fail. besides one.

Is that your final answer?

I had two people ask me questions. okayreadygo.

1) why'd you run for junior president?
I ran because I don't like the way Sehe ran things this year. And no one else was stepping up to do the job.

2) if you could go to the moon, would you?
No, I don't think I would. Well, right now. I think it would be really cool to see, but its not some huige goal in my life. haha. But i think it would be really cool to do it some day. But right now, probably not.

3)Who's your favorite teacher?
my favorite teacher ever would have to be Mr. Webster. He was amazing. I don't even think i can come up with the words to describe him. But other than that, it would have to be Doc. For sure. He's just an amazing man. He's an incredible musicial, and amazing at teaching. He understands the students. He's just fabulous.

4) What do you wanan be when you grow up?
When I grow up, I want to be amazing. I want to be one of those moms that all the kids in the neighborhood loves. I might want to be a high school english teacher, it just depends on how far I get in my education, and if its needed.

5) If you could give one piece of advice to your generation, what would it be and why?
"Don't be stupid. Prioritize your life." Because people are just so stupid. They don't realize that school really IS more important than video games. They don't realize that girls aren't that important right now. They're just stupid.

6) Why do you write?
I write because its easier that just talking. I can edit. I can revise. I can rethink. And I can write it, and not actually share it. I write because writing is the basis of my life. I create who I am through writing.

7) Cage match, Peck vs. MJ, who wins?
Freaking Peck. No question.

8) Would you trade your mountains of friends for a few good friends?
Yeah, I think I would. Now, I don't think I have a mountain of friends. But I've always wanted that really close knit group that does everything together. But it never happened. This is how my life if turning out, and I'm just enjoying what gets thrown at me. I'll never turn a friend away.

9) If given the opportunity to get in a serious relationship now, would you take it?
Heck. No.

10) Given the opportunity, cheat for the A, or take the A- honestly?
It depends on what it is. If its like, some gay crossword that I didnt do and its the difference in the grade, I'd take the A. Because i mean, that crossword really isn't going to teach me anything. But if it was some huge test or something, and I really didn't understand it because I'm a slacker, I'd take the A-. In my mind, i'll cheat on something if I wouldn't learn from it otherwise.

11) What's more important to you, success, or virtue?
Definitely virtue. I've made a new goal to myself actually to never let anything get in the way of my standards. This year, I skipped mutual sometimes to get homework done and stuff. But I'm not gonna let that happen. Even if other people have good reasons, I'm not gonna let anyone bring me down anymore.

12) If you had a bike, would you ride it, or would it just sit in the garage?
I definitely do not have a bike. And thats beacuse I probably wouldn't ride it. Thats one of the reasons I joined the track team actually. I had a bike once when I was like, 5. But right now, if I had one, i actually do think I'd ride it.

What are your goals for after high school?
Hmm...that seems to be a common question these days. I'd like to go to college, with at least my Freshmen year done. I don't think I'll be like some of those crazy kids and already have my associates...haha. I'd love to go to BYU, but I might go somewhere out of state. I'd love to major in english, with a minor in something musical. Maybe piano accompaniment or something. Music theory? I'm not all the way sure yet.

If you had to describe your perfect soul mate, how would you do it?
In on sentence: Some one I can grocery shop with.
in more detail: Someone who can lift me up. in every way. Spiritually, intellectually, physically, emotionally.

What's better, violin or piano?
Violin. Too many people play the piano, and it gets more critisicm. its harder to excel. And with the violin, its easier to express myself. Its like, i absolutely love to play the piano, but when I play the violin, life is just better. I feel happy. Its just so wonderful.

Why aren't you going on GYS summer tour?Seriously, why not?
money. and I just don't have very many friends in there. I don't think I'd enjoy myself. AND I'm just a violinist. There's about a billion of us. If I don't come, no one is going to care.actually, everyone would probably rather me NOT come. the end.

Do you or do you not think Mr. Rockwell is completely amazing. That is, if you're taking AP US history. And if you have Mr. Rockwell.
Yes, yes I am taking it. And yes, yes i do have him. And I really don't know enough to make that judgement. But I think it's going to be my kind of class. The kind that you take from it what you CHOOSE to take from it. I'm excited about it.

If you had to choose between learning all the secrets of the universe, then dying, and living, what would you choose?
I'd definitely choose to live. In my religion, life is all about learning. The whole point of this planet, this life, this body, is to learn. I'll learn everything I need to know eventually. Either in this life, or after I die, it'll all come. So i'd rather live life, cause thats what its for!

Let me rephrase the question in my other comment: What drives you in life?
What drives me...thats tough. I can't think of anything but just myself. My standards. My knowledge. My passion. I live for me. I do MY best, and not what anyone else expects of me. I drive myself.

What made you want to blog again?
Because all the cool kids do. haha. Just kiddin. Its because....i love to write. And because I finally thought of things to blog about. I stopped when life got boring.

How come you think so lowly of yourself?
I always have. Its just how I am. I have really bad depression. It runs in my family. But i've never had high self esteem. Ever. I've never really even had ANY self esteem, yet alone HIGH self esteem. Its just how I am.

Zoom!

and i'm back. I told you guys i was gonna restart this blog, and I promise I didn't lie.

So there is a region dance tonight. Everyone should go. Here's my theory:
Everyone used to go to dances, right? Then some kids stopped going, so they got less fun. So less people kept going. So then they got less fun. So less people went. Get my point? If everyone went, everyone would have fun! Then more people would come! See, its all a wonderful idea. But everyone is lame. So i think you should all come, okay? And maybe ask me to dance, because I never get asked to dance. But I still go! So you should too.

So elections were last week. I told myself I would never, ever fun for president. So guess what I ran for. That's right...Junior President. I really don't know why. I signed up to run for senate. But everyone kept telling me to run for president because they all thought I'd do a better job than Sehe. So I did. And I won. I'm not sure why, but I won. And Briahna is Vice. I'm glad we both won... If just one of us did, it wouldn't be the same. But now I can't take athletics or Social Dance. Which blows. I might just do early morning seminary so I can. I really wasn't planning on winning. I mean, i'm Marissa Weeks. I'm not popular. I'm a loser. So i don't really get it. But somehow, I won. So i'm in charge of making next year amazing for you all. I hope I can. Let me know if there's anything you want done, for shizzle.

Life is tough. Friends are tough. Everything has gotten confusing. I used to be SUCH a loser. Then I get to be good friends with some people. It was great. Then I started meeting more people. A lot of people. Now it seems like I'm not good friends with anyone. I'm not in any group. I'm just there. I know everyone, but i'm never considered a good friend. I've never really had a best friends, except Robert. I'm just there.

I'm not pretty, but i'm not ugly. I'm not fat, but i'm not skinny. I'm not smart, but i'm not stupid. I'm not slow, but I'm not fast. I'm not short, but I'm not tall. I don't dress well, but I don't dress badly. I'm not popular, but I'm not a total loser. I'm not talented, but I don't suck at everything. I'm never the best friend, but i'm rarely the enemy. I'm always "just the friend." I'm just there. I'm just me. It seems like there's never anything special about me. It seems like I just can't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with the music nerds. I don't fit in with the regular nerds. I don't fit in with the drama kids. I don't fit in with the cheerleaders. I don't fit in with the jocks. I don't fit in anywhere.

does everyone else feel like that all the time? Or is it just me? Because i sure do. When someone asks me who my close friends are, I can only name a few, and they probably wouldn't name me if they were asked the same question. I don't care what people think about me, but I don't KNOW what people think about me. I just don't get it. I don't get ME.

okay, we're gonna do something. It probably won't work because no one reads this...but we'll try. Thatcher did this once, and it seemed like a success.
Ask me anything. Absolutely anything. You can ask me anything personal, you can ask my opinion on anything, you can even ask me for math help. hahahaha. I dunno how much i could help with that last one though. But seriously, ask me anything.

okayreadygo!

The Ins and outs

edit: Nick is an exception too. He's smart and good at music.

Why is it that I can Ace honors physics, but i'm currently failing computer tech? Why do I not even have to try in English, but I have to FIGHT for an A if freaking student government?! I really don't understand. but here is my theory.

Its all the stupid kids in those classes. Being surrounded by mediocrity just ruins things. In my hard classes, the teachers know you want to be there. In computer tech, the teacher knows that the majority of the kids could care less if they get an A. Its the same in every health class, driver's ed, all those artsy classes, etc. you get my point. In GT last year, everyone always got A's. Even though we had harder work. Why is that? It because we care. Its because the teachers know we care. Its quite ridiculous, if you ask me.

So currently, i'm trying to catch up in computer tech. Why am I behind? Several reasons. First, I got behind because I just got lazy. I already know all of this stuff. I haven't learned a single thing this year. Then, I got behind during tour. THEN I lost my notebook. And I sit by Taylor Lajeunesse. Who can pay attention when he's around? That's right, no one. So now, I have 48% in that class. Like really. But it shall be up soon. But if this ruins my GPA, i'll cry. Not because my hard work goes down the drain, but because its FREAKING COMPUTER TECH!

so. On to other news. I definitely didn't go to the track meet. Molen already doesn't like me. So that might make getting an A hard too. haha. It would probably be easier if he didn't even know who I was. But yeah, I didn't go. On Wednesday, I had a symphony concert, and I'm mucho better at the violin than at running...currently. haha. That was fun. I've now successfully completed a full 4 years of Granite Youth Symphony. There are only like, 3 other kids in my grade that can say that. Because no one in our grade does anything!

And thats my next topic. Have you ever noticed how much our grade sucks? No one has school spirit. The majority of the kids are stupid(er) than the general populous. We don't have any super amazing athletes. We don't really have any amazing musicians. Yeah, there are exceptions...like Tyrel. and Thatcher is really smart. I mean, a 34?! But in general, our grade sucks. Like seriously. I mean, last year, i was good at everything! I was first chair violin in orchestra AND granite youth. I was jazz band pianist. I kicked butt in all my classes. I averaged out my percentages in my classes at the end of some of the terms, and it was around 106%. its crazy. But thats not cause I'm amazing. Its cause our grade sucks. Its not hard to excel. I was the best CC runner. I had ONE person to beat. I mean, honestly. I DO represent the sophomores at T-Ville, but I can still diss them. I haven't really liked a guy in our since since, oh, thatcher. And before that there wasn't really anyone either. Oh well, maybe our grade will shape up. Maybe all the boys will get cute. Maybe some people will actually get some school spirit. And maybe, just maybe, some people might get a little more mature and a lot less stupid.

I put this on myspace, but I feel like putting it on here too:
"One Flaw in Women"
By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered,
"Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
Have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
And able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
Have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
Have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped
Knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything
With only two hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish.
"But I won't," the Lord protested."I am so close to finishing this creation that is
So close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed,"But I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?" asked the angel.
The Lord replied,"Not only will she be able to think,
She will be able to reason and negotiate.
"The angel then noticed something,And reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "That's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
Her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her
Love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness,
Love and joy. They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel, and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they think there is no
Strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH

I love this. I did not write it. But I love it. It makes me realize that even when I get really down, I still have worth. Simply because God made me. He put time into me. I have potential. Even if I don't like myself, I know that GOD put me here. For a reason. In seminary we had a lesson about the Savior. He died for ME. In John 15:13 it says:
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

that means that someone loves me. Even when i don't, someone does. Just think about that.

For "just in case"

I have a symphony concert tonight. If anyone actually reads this, and feels like coming...ya know.

Its at T-Ville at 7. Its going to be good, I promise. I'll give you a prize if you come. And Nick doesn't count.

Rebirth

ok, so i definitely haven't blogged in FOREVER. because no one read it. but it seems that the blogging comminity is blooming, so i thought I should re-join. Thanks Thatcher.

School. Is almost over! 18 days. Hip Hip Hooray! Thats nine more days of MJ. Forever! haha.

So in english we're doing this huge assignment, right? well i got it all done, on time and everything. I go to burn it onto a CD...and its gone. just gone. No where in sight. that's never happened to me. I've heard about it happening and i'm just like, duh! Look where you save it, you retard! Computer's don't eat things! But then it happened to me! I saved several times, and I know where i saved it. but it just wasnt there. So I redid it. the end.

Cheating. Is writing down the test questions in MJs really cheating? because i don't think it is. Sometimes we don't even have CLOSE to enough time to take the test, but he passes it out anyways, and tells us to get a good look at the questions so we know what to study. So I don't consider it cheating. Kyle, if you think i'm a terrible person for this, so be it.

Why is music so hard? Like really, the piano is a very simple instrument. You just play whats on the music. The notes don't change. The key I learned as Middle C will always be in the same place, with the same pitch. then why is it so hard? And same with the violin. There are only 4 strings. It shouldnt be that hard, but it really is. I ws thinking about it, and it really shouldnt be. Maybe I think about it too much. Maybe i make things harder than they really are. But it seems like every time i get something down, there is another thing to make it even harder. It just makes me really frustrated to know that I'll never master it. There is always something new to learn. I mean, thats nice in some ways, to always have a new challenge, but its so frustrating.


I think thats good enough of a start. I'll keep doing this regularly. And thatcher, myspace is not evil. Its annoying, and it wastes time, but its not evil.

blog of the century

i have a popsicle. and you probably dont.

the end.

Merry Christmas

So, this Christmas has been pretty fabulous. My dad was asking us what "gifts" we're thankful for this year. I said my testimony. Briahna, I know you don't care, but it really means alot to me. We went to the Mo' Tab broadcast this morning. It was awesome.

Oh, and I got a cell phone. Yeah. 440.2573. Its verizon. Hooray.

I love Christmas time. People seem to be happier, the world seems prettier, and everything smells nice. haha. I love the winter...except for when it DOESN'T SNOW! yeah. I love the snow. the end.

Briahna got me a water filter for Christmas. I love water. hooray.

so pretty much.

so pretty much I'm better at badminton than Thatcher.

Everyone loves music, don't they?

well, i got a package today that I ordered with 4 CDs:

Panic! At The Disco
Paramore
and 2 Fueled By Ramen mixes.

yayayaya!

and I found another concert I'm DEFINITELY going to

February 22: Motion City Soundtrac, Ok Go, Plain White T's, Spill Canvas
Lo-Fi, 7:00, 13$

and the other one I'm psyched for:
March 13th, In the Venue, 13$
Panic! At The Disco, The Academy Is..., Acceptance and Hellogoodbye.
Tickets are going fast. Bri, buy yours quick.
http://www.smithstix.com/DSearch.aspx?DSearch=3/13/2006

and I'll burn those CDs for you ONLY when I have mine back...along with Motion City Soundtrack...mmkay?

Christmas

All the bands I posted in the previous blogs....I wouldn't mind getting their CDs for Christmas. hahahha. cough.

and I need to know what everyone wants for Christmas. Especially you Bri! I already have something...but its just a gimick. I need something with substance. lol. so yeah....get on it.

-marissa fay.

...alright.

ok guys. I've procrastinated this way too long. I'm just gonna try and cover like, everything. If you don't care about the topic, just skip to the next one.

School: I got a 4.0 this term...which gives me hope. I hate physics, but I'm GOING to get an A in there this term. I just...never had a calculator, so I didn't do anything in class, now I'm like, totally lost. History is a pointless subject, and I hate it. End of story. James and Briahna make that class bearable though. My math class is just...rediculous. Student government is a blast. I've met some really cool people. And its really easy. Ms. Stevens gives way too much homework. I love english...but its SO MUCH. haha. Gym is a bore. Its just the same thing...day after day...after day.....yeah. Seminary is by far my favorite class. Excellent way to end the day.

Music: I've recently found several bands that I thouroughly enjoy.

Waking Ashland
Plain White Tee's (i have one of their songs on my myspace)
Sherwood
Silverstein
Acceptance
Jack's Mannequin
Jack Johnson
Panic! At The Disco

...and Trans Siberian Orchestra is coming here.....and I would love the person that got me tickets for like, Christmas. They cost an arm and a leg...but it would be a dream come true.

I decided that every week, I'll be picking a new song for my myspace. Suggestions would be appreciated.

I am way behind on practicing piano and violin. But Sortof...not? I have to play violin for a bunch of stuff for church for christmas, and I had to learn a song on piano to accompany laura, so I'm not REALY behind....but my teachers won't be pleased.


church: In the Book Of Mormon, I finally made it to Third Nephi. Yay for me! I'm actually ahead of schedule.

Me [physically]: I'm way out of shape. I'm hoping to change that by January. I'm going to start running once a week, and then slowly move up to at least 4 times a week. I know that y'all will say...pssh...but since the end of ninth grade, I've gained like, 15 pounds. Its discusting. I know none of you wanted to know that. lol. But thats why I need to start running again. I hate not being able to go run 5 miles. I miss being like, super in shape. Yeah, I could still go run a mile faster than most girls I hang out with...but I was to be good. I miss being good at something that was hard for me. And maybe it will help my circulation. My hands are constantly cold. Currently, I'm having a very hard time typing this.


Boys: Who I like is a question I have been asked many a time in the past little while. As most of you know, the boy I like the most lives about FOREVER away. Never meet boys in another state. This one is names Richard. He lives in Washington. He emailed me his address, because he had to get rid of his internet [he was getting too busy with school]. So I've sent him 2 letters....and he hasn't written me back. I sent another one off yesterday....and if I don't get anything back, I'm pretty much giving up. 2 other boys that I like are both Seniors....so those are just like, little crushes that will never go anywhere. Then there is this one Sophomore....that I think I like. Briahna knows who he is. He's pretty cool. Hilarious, smart, and very musically inclined. And then...there's Spencer. I'm not quite sure about this. I really liked him for awhile. Then we help hands for the first time at Jen Chapman's birthday party. It was pretty cool, but kindof weird. Like, it seemed like it just didn't quite fit, ya know? He called me alot, gave me hugs in the halls, and its really obvious that he knows how to treat a girl. Yet, I wasn't sure if I wanted anything more than friendship. The Harry Potter premiere was coming up, and I wasn't sure what to do. I just did things as they went, and I ended up on his shoulder. Afterward, I was thinking it was maybe a mistake. I like him....but not really enough that I want anything more, and I could stop liking him pretty fast, so I dont want to like, lead him on...and stuff. So I dont even know what to do there. Suggestions would be very helpful.
Also on this topic....go read Thatcher's blog.


Family: My cousin got engaged to a freaking AWESOME girl. Thats pretty cool. My cousin got baptized, that was cool.

So right now, life is pretty good. I'm ahead in the Book Of Mormon, and its turning out to be an awesome expirience. Its gonne snow tonight, which I'm psyched for. I love the winter!


anything else I can answer for Y'all? Comment with questions, and i'll try to answer them, but with no guarentees...haha.

....

so I totally just did a book report on a book that I barely read half of.

Inside Out

This is 3 poems in one. The bold is one poem. The italic os another. And together, they make an entirely new one. Try all 3, and PLEASE tell me what you think. This is the first poetry I've ever showed anyone.

Perfectly and completely,
Confused.
I live in a state of happiness that is
So empty, nothing means anything.
Never ending.
Disappointment in myself is common.
My life is complete.
But I never seem to surprise myself with new failures.
This is me.
This is me.


Giving it all I’ve got,
I’m ready to be discovered.
I’m ahead of my time.
But I’m still hiding in the shadows, afraid to shine…
I’m not always successful, but
I’m always afraid to try my best. Even though
I’m always pushing myself,
I know I’ll never be good enough.
The best is all I can give.
The best is all I can give.


Putting myself out there
Still hiding my true self:
So that everyone can see that
I am failure, nothing more.
My accomplishments are real.
I don’t mean anything to anyone.
It never surprises me that
I’ll never be who I want to be.
It’s just how things are.
It’s just how things are.


Stong, but
Oh so weak.
Full of compassion,
Towards those who say they love me.
Giving
My whole self
Everything I have.
Is never enough.
THIS is me.
THIS is me.

Woah.

Best Day Ever! haha. It was the SBO leadership conference 2005 today at Camp Williams. It was so ridiculously fun. wow. I didn't really know a lot of the seniors and juniors, but I know them a lot better now. Rapelling was soooooooooooooooooosososososo fun. wow. We should all go do it again. haha. The who maybe 2 kids who read this....lol. and half of them went with me today! yeah, all the little activities were way fun, and all the people were fun, and even the bus was fun. I'm so excited for this year now. We have some really cool leaders, and they know what they're doing. I learned alot about leadership, and stuff like that, and I ate a lot of candy. It was so fun. yayayayaya!

Weird Dreams

I had a weird dream last night. I hate it when I dream things like its real life, and things that actually could happen do....because then it confuses me. Like, i dreamt that my pen pal from EFY wrote me back and said he didn't want to talk to me again. And I dreamt that I got my school picture retakes back and they were hideous. I hate it when that happens.

On the other hand, I went to the most AMAZING show last night! wow! Death Cab is amazing....and even more so live. I met some way cool guys, and then me and dee and lola went to IHOP. It was pretty much the best night of my life. haha. And Thatcher, I'm sure you've never heard of Death Cab, but they're amazing, trust me. haha. And Bri...if you don't have one of their CDs, I'll burn you one sometime.

yeah, on the OTHER hand (i'm turning into and octopus.)...Briahna decided to announce to our math class who I like. And I'm really not ready for that. I don't want anything between us right now. And now this OTHER kid thinks I like him....and I don't. but we're friends, and I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I don't like him. This is why I don't tell people things. It just gets messed up. Things are a lot better when I just don't tell anyone anything. haha. Because hey, I might not even like this kid in a week. I don't know. But I don't want to be in the situation where I feel obligated to like him.

High school is frustrating. I never see anyone. I don't really have any fun classes. Like, Robert and Bethany have english together, and they say it soooo fun. I don't have any classes like that. In the SBO class, its mostly all seniors, and they're all such good friends its really hard to fit in. In english...I don't really have any close friends. I have Valerie, but she sits on the other end of the room and we don't talk much. In gym...Mac is just annoying. wow. and jordan touches me too much. But I love seminary. End of story. Orchestra...All of my friends sit forever away from me. And I never talk to them, and its depressing. In Physics...I've got Aaron Brown....ooh, yay for me. just kidding! In History, well, that class is fun I guess, but its history, and its boring. And my entire math class thinks I like Mike, and I don't. Speaking of math class, bri, i totally saw Stephen at IHOP last night. haha. trippy, huh? Yeah, thats about it. And in Granite Youth, I have pretty much no friends. I never have. And its so sad. I love it so much, but I don't even know if its worth it. It makes it so I couldn't do CC this year, or Youth Council, both of which I wanted to do. Yeah, thats my life. I complain too much, I'm sorry. No one reads this anyway.

I wish I was cool.

I wish I was cool. I wish I was one of those people that everyone just...wanted to be friends with. I wish I was super creative. I wish I could think of cool new things to do and say. I wish I was just rad. But I'm not. I wish I was really really good at something. I wish I was one of those smart people that always gets asked for homework help. I wish I was one of those people who caught onto things easily. But I'm not. I wish I was one of those people that knows everyone, and everyone knows, and considers a friend. I wish I was more outgoing. But I'm not. I wish I was truely beautiful. I wish I was one of those girls that every guy could see himself with...know what I mean? I wish I just had style and class, like my older sisters. But I don't. I wish so much. I wish I didn't complain as much. I wish I could help more. I wish I could talk to people. I wish people could talk to me. I wish I was different. I don't mean like, I'm emo, let's be different together! I mean, I wish I just simply unique. I wish I could be myself...but mostly I just know what "me" was. But that's just not how things are.

ug, I'm a terrible person.

oh man oh man. I'm a terrible person.

All my friends this I hate them, and have been ignoring them, when really i've just been kindof deppressed lately...

second, and worst of all: You all know I didn't really like Piper, the dog, much. But, I really had started becoming attatched. Well my mom took her to the pound. Yeah. And I feel like its my fault because I said mean things about the dog, when I really just did it out of habit. My dad and Bert didnt like her either, but I feel like I maybe could have saved her. Ug, I've got this pit in my stomach now, and I don't know what to do. There IS nothing to do!

I'm a terrible person.

The Past Few Weeks

The past few weeks have been interesting.

My dad got pnemonia, and was out of work for more than one consecutive day for the first time I can ever remember. Now he's in the hospital for kidney stones. I pretty much lost one of my best friends, and found out that another very close was planning on commiting suicide. I am now a "therapist" for 2 people now. I decided to do CC, even though I told myself I wouldnt. I decided to prove to myself today that I can still run 3 miles, and I can. I nearly died, but I did it. I made sophmore Vice President, and that was fun. I made friends with one of the funniest gay guys i've ever met. I officially like someone new, but I can't tell you who. I found a wayyy hot kid in my physics class. yeah, he's hot. I'm made about 6 batches of rice crispy treats, and drank more water than should be possible. Yeah, this year is going to be a changing year for me.

XC

I decided to run cross country. After I told myself I wouldnt. So today, I decided to prove to myself that I can still run at least 3 miles. And I did. And I thought I was going to die. But hopefully it will get easier. Wish me luck.

Misplaced

Lately, it seems like I don't fit anywhere. Whenever we do movie night, i just don't fit. There is Morgan and Briahna, Matt and Alex, Keely and Amberly, and Bethany and Katie. I'm just there to provide the house. I've never really had a best friend to have good times with every day. I've never lived close enough to someone to hang out with them all the time. I don't have good memories from elementary. All my friends went to a different elementary, and so they all go way back, and then there is me. At school I usually just walk alone in the halls because everyone has a group of people to hang out with, and I don't fit in to any one of them. Whenever I try to hang out with people, i get the feeling that they don't want me there, and that I'm just bugging them. And despite what everyone thinks, its ridiculously hard for me to meet new people. They scare me! I don't care what other people think of me, its what I think of me. And I'm not comforatable with myself, so its really hard to fit it. And its expecially hard in high school when everyone has somewhere to go besides you.

pretty much, i'm feeling really down right now, and I don't really have anyone to talk to. I used to talk to Stef, but she pretty much hates me. Laura is...i dunno whats wrong with her right now. And Robert just thinks i'm annoying lately. So thats it for my rant.

Have a nice day.