The Future Freaks Me Out.

I'm going to use all song lyrics as titles from now on. They're a lot easier to think of than something witty, relevant, and entertaining. Thus, you get Motion City Soundtrack.

Frequently while growing up, my parents would make comments to the effect of "You'll thank me when you're older." "You're get it when you're older." "It won't matter until you're older." "Remember this, because you'll be able to look back on it when you're older." References to the future were abundant. It seemed that as long as I kept my eye on what was coming, my life would be a success. I would be different when I got to high school, I though. Things would change. I believed there was some sort of line where my life would suddenly cross over into my anticipated "future."

That hasn't happened. Its not going to happen.

I'm the exact same person I was when I was five. I'm more mature, I've had many more experiences, I don't look exactly that same.

But I'm the SAME person. I think the same way, for the most part. I still live in the same place.

I didn't just...become a concert pianist. A testimony wasn't given to me. I'm not devastatingly good looking. Close, but not quite. Ha.

As I child, I looked at those older than me, and tried to imagine what my "future" would be like. The Madrigals inspired awe in me. The kids in high school looked so old!

But I've realized that I was living in the future. Instead of living in the past, like many people do, I was living in the future. At my young women leader's house, there is a magnet on her fridge that says "Life is no about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

If I wanted to have the future I saw for myself, I had to work THEN to have it later. My parents failed to mention this to me. Maybe they did, and I just took it the wrong way.

And now I'm here. Am I where I though I would be at this point in my life? Am I the senior in high school that I was aiming for?

Yeah. I am. In the past few years, I realized that I need to live in the present, but keep my peripherals on the future. I made decisions that I needed to in my life. I may have made them for the wrong reasons, but they got me here.

For example: my GPA. I tried really hard in school because I was insanely depressed. I suffered from depression through most of junior high. Its still in issue. But that's a topic for another day. So, I needed to have something that could give me a sense of accomplishment. I became an over-achiever to compensate for other things I believed were lacking in my life.

Since then, my motives have changed. Now, I enjoy a challenge. I like to push myself. I like to see how well I can do. I know I'm not the best, but I don't need to be. I do it for me. I didn't realize the benefits that would come down the road, but working my hardest is really starting to pay off.

Another example, but in direct opposition. My musical training began when I was 8. I took piano lessons from a woman in my ward. My parents made me. After a few years, I decided I wanted to be really good. I switched teachers, and I started to progress. I always imagined being amazing. I'd wanted to be the Madrigal pianist since I saw them come to my school in elementary. I wanted to be amazing. I never took the time to get there, though. I assumed it would just...happen when I got into high school. But kids, it doesn't. I now regret my poor practice habits for so many years.

The future is going to come. But today is yesterday's future. What did I do last week to prepare for right now? What am I doing right now to prepare for next year? Lots of things. But I'm not getting caught up in what's to come. College is in a few months, but right now is high school. I can't lose sight of that just because I want to focus on the future. Progress starts now, not at the designated finale.