forever
Okay. No one reads this any more, and I really just need to vent. Screw word choice and sentance fluency. I'm just gonna write.
I don't like change. I just want things to be how they used to be. There was one time in my life that i was completely happy with my situation, and it was sometime in ninth grade. No one was mad at me, and I was friends with everyone that i wanted to be. Then i started falling away from some, and falling more into another group. Now that group seems to be abandoning me. I didn't believe anyone when they told me high school changes everything. All my friends are doing things i know they shouldn't. I'm not going to follow them. Thats not me. I'm not going to swear. I'm not going to sluff (too much). I'm not going to go make out with random boys. I'm not addicted to shopping. I still get along with my parents. Moreso now, actually, than ever before. I feel like i don't belong anywhere. It seems like i'm an acquaintance to everyone. There's only one boy I really like, and he talks to me about his girl problems all the time. And i'm definitely involved in any of them. Sadly enough, I lost this one to the same girl I lost thatcher to. Its really frustrating to just think about. But this boy is one of my best friends. I can't tell him i still like him, it might mess things up. And I don't want to loose yet another friendship. I want to fit in, but not with the "in crowd" or whatever. I just want to fit in with my FRIENDS. I'm the one they keep around just to make fun of. I can't seem to do anything right. Everything i do with them is somehow wrong. I don't get it. They all like, know something that i don't. I don't know. I just hate it. During lunch, i walk around, and see all these people i know, but i'm not really friends with. Yeah, i can stop and say hi, but i don't fit in. I've become the random girl. Every once in awhile, I'll find some people i can really chill with, but usually I'm alone. And i'm sick of it.
Relationships. Yeah, i want one. I'm not gonna lie. They're nice. Just to know someone cares about you. And you don't have to worry about them not liking you back or whatever. I just want someone to talk to. About anything. I want to get that feeling again. That "bah" feeling. I want to fall in love. I just want to hold hands with the boy i really like. And just sit. and feel good about myself. Yeah, i like dating around and all, but I'm usually the one taking the boy on the date. I'm just not that girl that every boy wants to take out. I just want one. I only need one. But my mom pointed something out the other day, and it was reemphasized in seminary. I'm a game player. I'm in it for the chase. Once i get a boy, i tend to run the other way. I've only stuck around once, and it ended up hurting me. But at the same time, it was so wonderful. I just want to be cared about. I know i'm not the most beautiful girl, and i know i'm not a genius. But I try my best. I'm yet to find someone that really likes me for me. Every boy has too high of expectations. It seems to me like it should be the guys competing for the girls, but its backwards. Girls are just trying to catch boys. Its hard to find a good one, and when there is one, the girls flock. They follow. They obsess. And i always lose. I'm always just the friend. Or Robert's sister. Or the back up plan. Or the "other girl." I just want to be cared about. By one boy. I don't even have very high expectations. I just want a smart boy, that can really impress me with his words, and that can talk to me, and make sense, and be reasonable. Thats all i want.
church is so confusing right now. It seems like....school. You know when you fall behind? and you just have this feeling, in the back of your mind, all the time, that you just need to catch up. thats how i feel.
Thats all for now. I'll be back.
posted by riss. @ 6:02 PM
4 Comments:
I don't want you to get freaked out by my comment or anything, and I'm really worried that by saying something I'm taking away from the sanctuary feeling this place has for you right now, but I couldn't sit back and not say anything.
I know how you feel. I know SO well how you feel, or at least I think I do. When high school came, I met new people and kinda wanted to be in their group, but I also didn't want to leave my old group, and so what ended up happening was I fell somewhere in the crack between the two, and I don't really belong anywhere. I think I've started to find a place, and I'm SO happy about that, but it takes time, and I know how you feel...
I feel the same way you do about the relationship thing. I also got "game-player," believe it or not. Yeah, me. A game-player. Wacky, I know. But I'm with you... it's not like we don't WANT to be close to someone, because that's actually what we want more than anything, but it's just... things never seem to work out. For me, I get afraid or something. I've been liking this girl for a little while, but every time we get close and I start showing affection, something in my head screams "NO! NO! NO! Don't do this, it's BAD!" I have no idea why, but it just feels wrong. There's no reason for it to feel wrong, but it does, and so I get scared and I run away. I've been completely in love and gave myself completely to it once and only once, and whether or not the fact that it ended badly is affecting me now or not, there's nothing I want more than to be able to love someone with my whole heart and not have doubts screaming in my head.
You are attractive, Marissa. I'm not gonna lie, you are a good-looking girl. The truth is, all the good guys are terrible wimps. We're cowards. We're intimidated by a girl who looks really good, who's fun and happy and popular. I think lots of good guys have horrible self-esteem, and so we tell ourselves that we don't deserve someone like you, or we assume that you've already been taken. I mean, how could you not be taken already? I know everyone says having serious relationships in high school is a bad idea or whatever, but the truth is, everybody wants one, beneath all the "it will ruin my life" talk.
Truth is, I wouldn't mind going on a date with you sometime. I've just always thought that you were out of my league, you know? And I don't consider myself the funnest (is that a word?) of people, but I'll do my best not to be boring...
I've missed reading your blog. I hope this comment doesn't scare you away, because you took a big risk in venting these things out, I know how that feels. And you don't think anyone will respond, but when someone does, it's a real reality check and it lets you know that someone is watching after all, and sometimes that scares me away... but please don't let it scare you away. Venting is so good for people, there has to be an outlet for all the crap we have to go through every day. Don't stop. :)
Hey Marissa, good post.
Sorry 'bout the fact we haven't talked in like a year. My bad on that one.
I'm sorry for the way I ended things. I still think that things needed to end, but that was a horrible way to go, and I apologize profusely. I was an idiot to do that to you.
So yeah, I'm sorry about all that. I take full responsibility for what happened. -My bad.
I hope things work out for you Marissa, good luck.
Hey Marissa, I know this might sound weird coming from me...Kyle, the kid who ruined that relationship so long ago. I truly do feel bad about that. I hope that I've grown up since then. I'm glad that you made madrigals, I think it will be good for us to get closer again, because, like you said, we haven't been close at all in high school. I do want to be your friend, because you are a very nice girl, despite what I've said about you in the past, which, again, I appologize for. I hope we can get past the past and have a great year next year. Fear not, things will work out.
Hey, Marissa. It's so cliche to say that I know how you feel, but it's true. I think, a lot of the time, I'm alone. I don't know if that applies to everyone, but, it seems to go for you too. It's like, you can be surrounded by all the people in the world, people that are supposed to be your friends, but you're still all by yourself, because your "friends" are really just "aquaintances." It's sad.
(this is Rachel, btw.)
I hope things aren't as bad as they were when you wrote this. Seriously, you made Madrigals. It's gonna be a blast.
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