i'm back.

i'm back. in more ways than one. I haven't posted for nearly a year, and a lot has changed since then.

i'm going to start blogging more. maybe not regularly, but often. i need feedback from people, and this is where i seem to get the best help. the blog community seems to understand me, and embrace me. i like it here, and i've missed you guys.

i''m not really sure where to start. i'm trying to decide if i want to do this chronologically, or just a general update. i think i'll maybe combine the two.

so the last time i posted, i was pretty confused, and miserable. i'm a lot happier now, and a lot more stable.

summer after junior year was a huge transition period for me. i was gone for the whole month of June, and when i came back, everything was just different. i had been dating a boy from cottonwood since about february or march, and i decided it was ridiculous for me to be dating someone. thats so not me. and there were things about him that i couldn't really handle anymore. so we broke up, and he moved to las vegas. its a fairly long story, but after that ended, i started to get things back on track.

i started to spend a lot less time with my friends. i'm going to try my very best not to name names in this post, but no promises. some of my friends changed just as much as i did during june, but in an opposite way. they started to drag me down. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was a really really bad summer. i was honesty more miserable than i've ever been.

during this time, i started being a little less active in church. i still went, but not always, and rarely willingly. i'm not going to get into the spiritual side of all this, but thinking back on all this, i know i could feel something trying to bring me down, and he was succeeding.

near the middle of august, i began to hang out with my "crew" that consisted of me, emily stephens, doug may, and dallin martin. we spent every day together, and had the best of times. i finally had a group of friends who understood me, and had similar goals as me. i was happy for the first time in months.

school started. i stayed on top of things, and everything was awesome. there was an absurd amount of drama within the sbos. i couldn't handle it. i cried a lot, but i had my crew to fall back on. me and emily stuck together, but school was making it a lot harder to hang out.

on top of the stress from sbo, madrigals was killing me. i've never felt confident on the piano, and i never will. i felt, and still feel, ridiculously under-qualified for my position.

things went on like this for awhile, and then december hit. my life was gone, but i was so glad. i got to spend every day with 24 kids that i knew would be a good influence on me. it was during this month that i began to figure stuff out. i finally felt accepted in the group. previously, i'd always felt left out because i was always just at the piano, and i'm not as talented as everyone else in the group. i got to be friends with a lot of kids i'd wanted to be friends with for a long time, but never felt that i could. it was an awesome experience.

december proved to be similar to june for me, in that my friends changed as much as i did. they spent all their time together without me, and somehow went downhill whilst i was away. when i tried to return, i just couldn't handle being with them. they have all these really dumb inside jokes, and they tend to be fairly vulgar. they entertain themselves by mocking other people, and be doing dumb, pointless things. i'm pretty sure they forgot how to be productive members of society. i began to spend a lot less time with them.

new years eve was my breaking point. since 9th grade, me and my friends have celebrated the new year with a dance party at bethany's house. she informed me that her house was not an option this year, so it was decided that the party would be at my house. first, i asked everyone if they would be interested, and got all "aye's" from my friends, so the plans commenced. that day, we stocked up at walmart, and set up rock band. it should have been awesome.

about two hours after the party SHOULD have started, there were only about 6 people here. i was so confused. the worst part was that it was all the people i didn't really want there, and i had only invited out of tradition. the people i actually enjoy being with didn't show up.

it turns out that bethany DID have a party. she invited the people i wanted at my party, and left everyone else to come to mine. robert even went to hers. she claimed she didn't invite me because i was already having a party....but as you can see, her logic is flawed.

around 11, the people who came to my house ended up leaving. i was left alone at my house, sitting in my room at midnight. darren gardner ended up coming to my rescue about a half hour later, and we hung out for a few hours.

after that night, i knew something had to give. something was wrong. so i decided to read my scriptures. i haven't read my scriptures regularly since sophomore year. i'm not sure why this happened, but it did. i spent time doing homework and playing piano that i would normally spend being with my friends. i went to bed earlier, and i got up earlier. i read my scriptures whenever i remembered. i didn't skip seminary once.

its been a few weeks now, and i'm so happy. i finally know what i want, and who i want to be. i actually like who i am now, and its the same person i was about 3 years ago. i've done my best to rekindle friendships i thought were lost, and i've down even BETTER ending friendships that have been dragging me down for over a year. i'm reshuffled my priorities.

for now, church is my number one priority. i forgot how happy it makes me. i'm still struggling with regularity, but i'm doing the very best i can, and thats all i can ask of myself. I'm in my last month as laurel's president, and i'm going to make it the best one. when they called me, i thought it must be a joke. the young women's president told me that when she was praying about who to call, and she got my name, she thought it had to be wrong, and went to to ask about each other girl, and eventually came to terms that it had to be me. i told them that my schedule would get in the way of attending most activities etc, but i was told that it was okay. this calling has done wonders for me. i started going again out of obligation, but i soon began to remember how much i love it.

school sort of fell to the back burner for a few weeks, and this term was one of the very hardest to pull off a 4.0. i didn't understand how my friends could goof off as much as they could and still keep their grades up. then, i realized that they didn't. all of my friends have let their grades slip. i wasn't going to sacrifice that many years of hard work for a few nights of fun. i worked crazy hard, and i'm on top of things again.

family. we had family night for the first time in years tonight. it was pretty awesome. they make me play piano for the hymn, and i insisted on a christmas song. we had a lesson on forgiveness. then i dominated at battleship, and then we had scones. robert had like 7.

so yeah. i'm back. i'm marissa again. i've realized that its not worth it to sacrifice joy for "happiness." i thought i was happy because i was accepted by the kids that i thought were cool. but i forgot to bring myself along. i became a person i didn't like. i had momentary happiness, but i was utterly miserable.

now, i'm joyful. true joy is so different than happiness. i like who i am, and things are only going to get better from here. I'm super excited to graduate, and get away from everything. i'll be going to USU in the fall. i love cold. and its far enough away that i can be myself, but close enough that i can run home to my mom if i need to. i haven't decided what exactly i want to do, but i did decide that i'm going to try and get into the music program. i didn't think i would, because i've never thought i was good enough. but then i remembered that there are more regular people out there than prodigies. college is still school, and school is meant to learn. and thats what i want to do.

so i'm back. if i gave any of you a hard time, or was rude, or wasn't myself, its because i wasn't. i'm not sure where i went, but i'm back. :) thanks for those of you that stuck with me. if you read this whole thing, i've very impressed. my future ones will be mucho shorter, because i won't have to recap a whole year.