My life. October 2004-July 2005

Due to popular demand, (half of my audience…) I’m going to write what I believe happened between me and Chris Thatcher. Mostly its for my sake for straighten things out in my mind, but just in case any of you were wondering. And I won’t delete this one.

First we’ll set the scene. In seventh grade, I liked Levi Gardner. The guys were jerks about it, and Thatcher was their main man. He’s admitted to that. It hurt me a lot. I didn’t like a guy for about a year after that…. Then near the end of 8th grade, I got seated next to Tanya Santana in History. Thatcher started asking me to do his “dirty work’ you could call it. Pretty much, I just tried to find out if she liked him. Meanwhile, I began to like him. I started to flirt, and he would flirt back….and so forth. That summer, at a sleepover at Briahna’s, I confessed that I liked him. It was all downhill from there! Haha. He found out, and told me that he liked me too. He said he didn’t know why he hadn’t realized it before. That was the beginning of my first serious crush. We kept it on the lowdown….but it got out quick once Briahna and Morgan knew….haha.

Another thing that played into this whole thing was my depression. Yes, I’ve got depression. It runs in my family, and I’ve got it pretty bad. I hate to talk about it, so we’ll just leave it at that. I had done some stupid things…and I was planning to do some even stupider ones if he hadn’t come a long. He saved me from myself pretty much. I still hated myself, but I realized that there was something to live for. I wrote a poem about it for reflections. I’ve never shown it to anyone. Here it is:

HE SAVED ME FROM MYSELF

Life was good.
Everything used to be constant.
Then it hit.
Junior High made me feel resistant.
I was alone.
In a world that now seems so distant.

Life got scary.
Everything I once knew changed so fast.
Things were different.
I knew life would never be like the past.
I hated me.
And this hatred, I always surpassed.

I tried everything.
I was depressed, at an all time low.
I thought no one cared.
I was so alone, and time seemed so slow.
I all but gave up.
It seems like it was so long ago.

Then I met my hero.
He was my knight on a valiant steed.
He came and rescued me.
When I was in the greatest of need.
He is the greatest friend.
I trusted him to never mislead.


He means so much to me now.
He brightens my day, makes me complete.
When I sit, and think of him,
No one I know could ever compete.
When I’m with him, I’m happy.
He makes me no longer feel defeat.


October 31, 2004, me and Thatcher held hands for the first time (courtesy or Katie and Morgan). It was both of our first times. At the time, I liked thatcher and Peter the same. I actually think I liked Peter more….but he hadn’t done anything. When Thatcher made a move, I went with it, not really thinking. I began to like Thatcher more because I wish sure nothing would happen with me and Peter. I liked him a lot. Then he did something stupid…I can’t remember….but I forgave him in time for him to be my escort at La Caille. We walked around holding hands…he opened doors for me and pulled out my chair for me. We cuddled on the way back…and it was the best night ever. Now that I look back on it, we may have looked a little stupid. And his friends were mad at him for choosing me over them. There’s even more friends that I lost….I didn’t care. He was my best friend. All I wanted to do was spend time with him.
But that wasn’t what he wanted….at least, that’s what he said. I found out that he was ditching his friends right and left to hang out with me. He said he didn’t want commitment…but that’s not how it worked out for either of us. We were stuck together, but I liked it. I wouldn’t take that time back for anything.

Things continued like this for sometime….and then the drama hit. He got “jealous of Zack” and told me that he couldn’t like someone that was a “hug-slut”….so I changed my ways. But it made me mad….because HE “didn’t want commitment”….but then expected to be devoted to him….only. But the funny thing is that he wouldn’t hug me…. In my mind, hugging comes first, then holding hands…but I think he had it backwards! So that changed some of the friendships I had with some people. But I did it because Thatcher was more important to me. People told me that I shouldn’t change for a guy, but I couldn’t see a reason not to. So I did. He influenced me for the better. I dressed more modestly because of him, and I listened to better music. I didn’t listen to bad music, or dress immodestly before…but whenever I was tempted to, I thought of him, so I didn’t. I thought about him constantly, and it just made me happy. Even though he wasn’t TECHNICALLY my “significant other” …..there really was nothing missing besides the title.

After a while, he told me he loved me. The first record I have of it is in an email from November 17, 2004. And I realized that I loved him too. This wasn’t little elementary school “love”. This was serious. I loved him. I can’t speak for him, but I would have done anything for him. I thought about him constantly, and everything reminded me of him. Every song I heard, every place I went, everyone I saw….It always made me happy! I have a lot of email from him with songs that reminded him of me. “crazy for this girl” is the one that really stuck. I listened to it all the time. I know all the words by heart. He made me feel like someone maybe cared about me…even if I didn't.

Then right around the end of November, something happened….I can’t really remember what it was…but I was mad at him. I think. About once a month, he had a habit of screwing something up, so I would get mad at him…then I would forgive him. I was so in love, nothing could stop me. Several times, he would believe something that wasn’t true about me. I would clear it up, and he would say he would always trust me over anyone. That never really happened though. I don’t think it does to this day. I never did anything to him that would make him not want to trust me though. I was always entirely honest with him, and told him absolutely everything. I just loved him so much, I couldn’t see that he didn’t trust me, and we weren’t having the right kind of communication that we needed. Well, BACK at the ranch….. So, he did something, but I had forgiven him. But I was still kinda P.O.ed, but I went to the November region dance to be with him. He had promised me the last dance. He decided to dance with Tanya instead. I went to the bathroom, and cried. Apparently, he ditched her halfway through…but it was too late. He couldn’t really afford to screw up, and he did. I cried like, all night. We talked about it, and he sent me this email:

Marissa, im so sorry about tonight. I feel like crap. I know I can'tfix what happened. I dogged tanya about a quarter of the way into thedance and tried to find you. Im so sorry Marissa. Ive screwed up sobad. I never wanted to make you feel bad. This sucks so bad. I'm sosorry Marissa. I can't believe how dumb I've been. Im just so sorry.I messed up so bad. This feeling is worse than anything else thisweekend. Marissa, im sorry. I wanted to dance with you so bad, but Ididn't have the balls to turn tanya down. Please forgive me. If youwant to hate me, please do so. I know I deserve it now. I can't doanything right this weekend.Im sorry Marissa, I feel like throwing up ive messed up so bad. Ideserve to be a recluse the rest of my life. I couldnt afford to screwanything up tonight, and I did. I dont have the words to let you knowhow bad I feel, and how sorry I am.Marissa, im sorry. this is the saddest Ive been in ages. I messed upso bad. I can't really expect you to forgive me for what I've done.I've treated you like crap. I want you to know im sorry, I wanted todance with you. I just wanna cry.Duh, I am so stupid. Ive messed up. Not only are you going to hate menow, you're bound to hate yourself, and that sucks so bad. I wish youcould know. Everything inside me screams for me to run myself into awall because im so stupid. Marissa, Im so sorry. I dont expectforgiveness, asking for that would be selfish. You mean the world tome. You mean so much more than all of the girls in that stupid gymcombined. I dont know why I did what I did. I bailed out on her prettyquick, and tried to find you. I wanted to find you so bad. Im so sorryMarissa. I wanted to fix things so bad. I know im not good enough foryou. I still want things to be the way they were. I want it so much.Its up to you. I dont feel like I deserve you anymore though, after Ifound out what a jerk I am. If you are willing to forgive me, you'rethe nicest person I know. I suck so bad Marissa, and im so sorry Ivedone what Ive done.This sucks so bad, and im so sorry Marissa. I adore you. I care aboutyou so much. Ive acted so horribly, I just want it all to go away, andI know it cant. I love you Marissa, and I understand if you hate mefor the rest of your life, I certainly deserve it.


I still loved him, so I forgave him. I was still a little mad…but it was ok. Our love would make it through, right? So I went ahead and let it go. Because we were made for eachother, and of COURSE we would make it through. During the downtown field trip, he held hands, and he just held me whenever I was cold. It was a lot of fun. It was now official….even Mr. Sharpe made comments about “us”….and once Brough and Sharpe know about something, there is no going back! Haha.

One thing I’ll throw in right now: during this whole time, I still had feelings for Peter, and sometimes Zack…on and off. Mostly Peter though. I think I might have torn those two apart. I’m sorry if I did.

So, we were happy through December. And stuff. I found out later that Peter stopped liking me during Christmas. He pretty much became a hermit for a week, and thought things through. He realized that he didn’t stand a chance…when he really did! Lol. It hurt when him and Danielle got together because I realized that I still had feelings for him. It was too late then. But I was in love with Thatcher, so I didn’t really let it faze me.

One time….I can’t remember which time, but Thatcher brought me a present to make up for being stupid. I told him at one point that 4 things could fix everything: Chocolate, Band-Aids, Duct Tape, and Hugs. He brought me the first 3, and told me that I could redeem my hugs whenever I needed. I never got to redeem them…and it’s a little too late. Another sweet thing he did for me was what he got me for Christmas. He told me once that life without me would be like Marshmallow Mateys…without the marshmallows. So he got me a big bag of Marshmallow Mateys. I ate a bowl or two…or five every day. That was just another thing to remind me of him every day….

Well, things went well for awhile. Then I started thinking about stuff….I started thinking that maybe I was missing out on some stuff because I was hooked to one guy. I mean, I was only 14! That’s a little young. And Peter helped me realize that I was just taking things too seriously. And it was definitely true. So I told Chris I wanted to tone it down a little bit. Be more of just friends….and a little more, but not too much. I wanted to be able to just have fun. I wanted to hang out for reasons OTHER that seeing him, but just having that as a large bonus. I didn’t want to feel guilty for flirting with other guys. It felt, at times, like habit to like him. I didn’t want that. I knew I loved him...but I wanted it to stay special. And we were making it “the norm”….and we shouldn’t have don’t that when we were only 14. I wanted to slow down…to make sure we didn’t ruin something we could have had in high school….So I told him that. He said OK, and I was really happy. I had been so nervous. For weeks, I couldn’t really sleep, or eat, or concentrate. When he was fine with it, I was so happy! Everything was perfect.

During this time, here is what was happening with Thatcher: I had told stefanie some of my concerns…and she decided to tell Thatcher. But she mostly just told him the bad stuff. So he had it in his head that he was somehow ruining my life, and making me miserable, and keeping me from doing things I wanted to. And the fact that we hadn’t talked for about a week played into that. (I had been helping James and Stefanie with some of their problems….but he thought I was ignoring him or something…). And so Chris believed all this stuff about me that wasn’t true. Yeah, some of it was….but all the stuff that was I had already told him! So he thought I was keeping a bunch of stuff from him…but I wasn’t. I had told him everything he needed to know.

On February 20th, he told me he didn’t like me anymore. He said he did it because he thought he was hurting me. Which wasn’t true. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me! He made me smile every day. He made me a better person. I loved him. But he thought I didn’t. When I told him that I wanted to tone things back, that “fit perfectly” he told me. That began a Sunday afternoon. Every day after church, I would get on, because we had an hour between when I got out of church, and when his started. I think that was the last time I ever did that. He used to be the reason I got online. Back on topic….So he didn’t like me anymore. Apparently my perfect plan that made me so happy wasn’t good enough for him. So, because he THOUGHT he was making me “miserable” or some crap…he DID make me miserable. I cried all day. I explained to him everything, but I don’t think he believed me. I just didn’t understand how he could go from loving me to not even liking me that quickly. The next day, he sent me this email:

Marissa,I am so sorry for how i have acted. I do still care about you, and Ido like you so much. I've been a real idiot. I am so sorry.Things confused me for a long time, Ive been really messed up. I actedirrationally and like an idiot. I should have just talked to you aboutstuff, instead of jumping to stupid conclusions like I did. I stilldon't understand some things, but that's ok for me now.Marissa, in my eyes, things would be perfect if I just liked you, andyou liked me, and when I had a crappy day you could just come up tome, and give me a big hug and make everything better. And when youhave a crappy day, I could make things alright for you too. That's allI want right now, im sorry I've been confusing.I know that i don't deserve you. I don't deserve to have you forgiveme for being a jerk. I don't deserve what I want. Im so sorry Marissa.I have messed up so bad. I can't really expect you to forgive me, Ijust want you to know that I do care about you, and that I like you aton. I was so confused, and I let some stuff get in my way. I'm sorryMarissa.Please, just know that I care about you. That's all I really ask right now.

But I didn’t believe him. We had talked for HOURS about how he didn’t like me anymore. I knew he didn’t have feeling for me anymore, and it just broke my heart. I sent him this email in return:

My mom asked me a lil while ago what I would do if you stopped likingme. I said I wouldn’t care, because I like you enough that all I want isfor you to be happy. You made your feeling clear, and that’s ok withme. Don't try to say you care about me because I know you reallydon't.

I guess you could say I was bitter. I still loved him with all I had, and he just threw it away. I wasn’t sure if I ever meant anything to him! It hurt so bad. The one thing that kept me from hating myself in the world now hated me. So I hated myself even more. I couldn’t eat, or sleep, or anything. I cut myself a few times. Not like, some emo kid….. I just “wasn’t careful” while shaving….. I just wanted to die. It hurt more than anything I can ever remember. It hurt inside me constantly for months. He sure got over me pretty quick, but it took me longer to get over him that we were together. (we were together for 4 months….I didn’t get over him for 5.) I wrote page upon page about him in my journal every night. During this time, play count for "Crazy for this girl" reached nearly 300)...and I had it constantly playing in my room.

When I heard that him and Hope went to Star wars together for the midnight show….it hurt so bad. Hope HAD been one of my best friends. But I guess all the people that were friends with Thatcher stopped being my friend sometime during then….but I was too in love to notice it. I learned later that they had held hands 3 times already. So THAT’S why I was never invited to movies anymore….He got over me so fast…and it hurt so bad. I almost started to cry whenever I thought about it.
The thing that REALLY got me about Hope was that recently, she told Thatcher that she “just wanted to be friends”. Pretty much, she had the exact same plan that I had…but he believed her. I figured out that I was pretty much his guinea pig. He learned what DIDN’T work with me, and he did it right with Hope. I loved him. He was everything to me. I did the best I possibly could. I thought about every action, and thought about what the consequences would be. It seems like he just tried something, and if it didn’t work, he got out of it. When it all caught up to him in the end, when he hurt me so many times that it just couldn’t be the same, he decided to move on. Now that he was experienced, he wouldn’t break another heart. But he broke mine.

Promotion. At the end of the dance, everyone was crying because they were going to miss people, miss the school, etc…. I started crying at the start of the last dance because I hadn’t got to dance with Thatcher. That dance was saved for him, even if he didn’t know it. I wanted to dance with him so bad. He didn’t even really talk to me the whole time. And the last song was my favorite of all time. I was pretty sure he hated me. That dance, and every “Last Dance” will be saved for him. Even if he doesn’t dance with me, I’ll save it.

I tried so hard to get over him. Everyone I tried to like instead…it just didn’t work. The thing that got me, was that everyone I tried to like, Thatcher had all their good qualities plus some! It was so hard to beat. And after love, it was hard to have a crush, because I knew how much better it could be! I tried liking everyone to Jordan to Aaron. Nothing worked because I was still in love.

And one night, I decided to tell him that. I had been wanting to say “I love you!” for so long to him….And I finally did. And it hurt that he couldn’t say it back. It finally he that he was totally over me….and he had moved on because plenty of girls were better than me. But I still loved him. Its like, in the end of gone with the wind, when Scarlett finally realizes that she loves Rhett. But by then, he doesn’t love her. Its so sad, because When I was reading that part in the book, that was exactly how my life was! Now he knew, and I just felt stupid thinking about how I had spilled my guts to him when he didn’t even like me in the least.


Finally, a few weeks ago, I realized that I didn’t love Thatcher. One of the first things I did, to make it official, was I broke the CD that had ONLY the song "crazy for this girl" on it...because until then, it had been playing constantly in my room. I haven't listened to hit since! I realized that he lived in a bubble the size of a Cherry. He like, hated me just because I had made new friends. I mean, why can’t you make MORE friends?! Its not like I was leaving my friends behind…I was just making more. I mean, I live in a bubble too, but I let people into mine. And I meet new people, and I try new things….he doesn’t. How does he expect to go into High School, College, and the Work Force if he won’t meet new people, broaden his horizons, and change his opinions. And just because someone doesn’t think the same as him, he thought they were wrong. Different isn’t bad, but he couldn’t grasp that. I loved him, but I matured…and he didn’t mature along. He was still stuck in like, 7th grade. With his same group of friends, same habits, same everything. Change is good sometimes.


So, right now, I don’t love Christopher J. Thatcher. I did, and it took me a long, long time to get over it. But now, I’ve moved on. I don’t really like anyone else….but I’ve realized that there are move fish in the sea. He is a great person, smart, funny, witty, and he has a lot of good characteristics. The thing that gets me is his unwillingness to change. His integrity does a lot for him…but he can’t always stay the same person. Everyone needs to meet new people, try new things. Even if they’re bad…then you just let them out of your bubble. No, I’m not perfect, but the only way I’ll get there is by trying new things. If you never try anything new, then you’ll never progress. No, I don’t go and experiment with drugs. I’m still a good person. I haven’t really changed. I’ve just met new people, and expanded my interests. I’m the same person, times about 5. He’s still the same person. And that’s it. Maybe if he figures out some stuff, something might happen in the future.

BUT: I will always have a few feelings for him. He was the first boy I ever loved. I told him everything, and gave him everything I was. I can’t take that back. He was such a huge part of my life; I’ll never be able to get rid of it entirely. He will always be there. My first love. But I’m only 15. There is plenty more time to live. It took me awhile to figure out, but life really DOES go on after love….that’s my answer to the question cher poses in “believe”. (go look it up if you don’t know…).

And this is Marissa Weeks, signing out. I’ll probably add more later. Stuff I forgot.