rush.

I went running today. I'm trying to go every day. I went about two and a half miles, and I loved every step of it.

I love the rush.

The rush of wind through my ponytail. The rush of cars as they go by.

The rush of the sunset; the beauty overwhelms.

The rush of the scent of newly cut grass for the first time. It parallels the sensation of crunching leaves for the first time, the tingle of the first footprint in the snow, the satisfaction of the first tan line of summer.

The rush of sweating in the cool of the evening.

The rush of conquering the hill that you should have dominated you.

The rush of the finish line that is in reality only the peak of my driveway.

I didn't wear my contacts today, and it helped me focus. It was just me and the sidewalk, because it was all i could really focus on. Faces, cars, houses, all a blur. It gave me a rush.

I love that when i run, its just me and my body. My senses are acute. I'm oddly in tune with my flesh. I'm aware of each limb, every muscle, all my senses are heightened. Each breath invigorates. Each glance reveals something new. Each step not only gets me closer to my original goal, but helps to establish a new goal for tomorrow.

I never run with music. I enjoy listening to the deplorable, yet adorable sound of birds chirping.

I hear each footstep. The longer I run, the more my steps echo in my head.

Its just me, my stamina, my speed, my breath, my goals.

Thats the kind of rush you can't get anywhere else.

My News

So I've been insanely tired lately. Not just the...i hate school i don't want to go kind of tired. Its like, I can't do anything besides sleep. Nothing seems better than sleep. Its really been interferring with my life.

Turns out there's a reason.

I have a "whopping case of mono."

I've had it for over a month now, so they don't think its contagious anymore. But it'll be prevalent for another two to four weeks.

I got off easy, apparently. Sometimes, mono makes one really really sick. Jes Wilson, for example. She was in the hospital, lost about 30 lbs. Robert got super sick last year when he had it too. But I'm just absurdly tired.

I never understood robert when he said "I can't wake up." You just open your eyes, and get out of bed. Its not that hard. But I completely understand it now. I literally CAN'T sometimes.

I do have a doctor's note that will get me out of virtually anything. Its going to excuse all my 1st period tardies for the last month, and for the next few weeks. And if I can't make it to something at night or after school or something, I'm excused. I'm not going to take advantage of it, though I thoroughly could. Its just nice to know what it is. I wanted to tests to come back negative, but its nice to just...know. Now at least people can't just accuse me of being lazy. I have a legit reason.

Well, thats my saga. All I do is sleep. I'm behind in all my classes, because I just sleep. My priorities have changed, because sleep has become more important. Its terrible.

The end. :)

I've known you in every life I've lived.

I just want to sy a quick thanks to the people who have always been there. I haven't stuck with the same crowd over the years, and I know I won't in the future. But there are some people who have always been there for ME.

I hung out with Eric Davies the other day, and i hadn't for a really long time. We talked about how we have the kind of friendship where we can not even talk for six months, then hang out like we never stopped.

I'm not going to name people. But I just want certain people to know, even though no one besides Nick reads this, that I appreciate the understanding, and their constant presence in my life.

I like change, I yearn for change, I strive and thrive on change. But because of this, I am constantly in dire need of something contant.

Thanks.

The Future Freaks Me Out.

I'm going to use all song lyrics as titles from now on. They're a lot easier to think of than something witty, relevant, and entertaining. Thus, you get Motion City Soundtrack.

Frequently while growing up, my parents would make comments to the effect of "You'll thank me when you're older." "You're get it when you're older." "It won't matter until you're older." "Remember this, because you'll be able to look back on it when you're older." References to the future were abundant. It seemed that as long as I kept my eye on what was coming, my life would be a success. I would be different when I got to high school, I though. Things would change. I believed there was some sort of line where my life would suddenly cross over into my anticipated "future."

That hasn't happened. Its not going to happen.

I'm the exact same person I was when I was five. I'm more mature, I've had many more experiences, I don't look exactly that same.

But I'm the SAME person. I think the same way, for the most part. I still live in the same place.

I didn't just...become a concert pianist. A testimony wasn't given to me. I'm not devastatingly good looking. Close, but not quite. Ha.

As I child, I looked at those older than me, and tried to imagine what my "future" would be like. The Madrigals inspired awe in me. The kids in high school looked so old!

But I've realized that I was living in the future. Instead of living in the past, like many people do, I was living in the future. At my young women leader's house, there is a magnet on her fridge that says "Life is no about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

If I wanted to have the future I saw for myself, I had to work THEN to have it later. My parents failed to mention this to me. Maybe they did, and I just took it the wrong way.

And now I'm here. Am I where I though I would be at this point in my life? Am I the senior in high school that I was aiming for?

Yeah. I am. In the past few years, I realized that I need to live in the present, but keep my peripherals on the future. I made decisions that I needed to in my life. I may have made them for the wrong reasons, but they got me here.

For example: my GPA. I tried really hard in school because I was insanely depressed. I suffered from depression through most of junior high. Its still in issue. But that's a topic for another day. So, I needed to have something that could give me a sense of accomplishment. I became an over-achiever to compensate for other things I believed were lacking in my life.

Since then, my motives have changed. Now, I enjoy a challenge. I like to push myself. I like to see how well I can do. I know I'm not the best, but I don't need to be. I do it for me. I didn't realize the benefits that would come down the road, but working my hardest is really starting to pay off.

Another example, but in direct opposition. My musical training began when I was 8. I took piano lessons from a woman in my ward. My parents made me. After a few years, I decided I wanted to be really good. I switched teachers, and I started to progress. I always imagined being amazing. I'd wanted to be the Madrigal pianist since I saw them come to my school in elementary. I wanted to be amazing. I never took the time to get there, though. I assumed it would just...happen when I got into high school. But kids, it doesn't. I now regret my poor practice habits for so many years.

The future is going to come. But today is yesterday's future. What did I do last week to prepare for right now? What am I doing right now to prepare for next year? Lots of things. But I'm not getting caught up in what's to come. College is in a few months, but right now is high school. I can't lose sight of that just because I want to focus on the future. Progress starts now, not at the designated finale.

Improve The Shining Moments

Each day has exactly 24 hours. I sleep, or at least I should, for 8 of those. This leaves me with 16 hours to do whatever I feel like. This could be robbing a bank, cliff diving, playing the piano, learning a new language, cleaning, driving, people watching, eating, or even just sitting.

What do I do with my 24 hours? Or more importantly, the 12 shining hours. Today, the sun will be up for slightly less than 12 hours. Why not make those hours significant? Why not have every moment be a shining moment?

1. Improve the shining moments;
Don't let them pass you by.
Work while the sun is radiant;
Work, for the night draws nigh.
We cannot bid the
lengthen out their stay,
Nor can we ask the shadow
To ever stay away.

That's the first verse to an LDS hymn that I love. I appreciate it because it doesn't profess the need for perfection. It's about constant improvement, and taking advantage of each day. We all have the capacity to constantly be accomplishing something. But when night comes, I often have a hard time letting it go, and relaxing. I know my sleep would be more beneficial if I just let myself...sleep. Take full advantage of the shining hours of the day, as to not have to invade your night with the worries and tasks of the day.

As each day ends, a new one is just waiting to begin. Pretend like each day knows nothing about the day before. Don't carry baggage. It doesn't matter what happened previous to the present. If things went wrong, it doesn't mean they will again. If things went right, it doesn't mean they will again, and visa versa. Each day, we need to work to become closer to the person we want to be.

Every day, I'm given the opportunity to improve myself and my surroundings. Every day, I have the chance to be productive, effective, and efficient. Why am I not doing more with my life? Why am I behind on poetry responses? I have plenty of time in the day to do everything.

I'm not saying that each and everyday has to be better than the last. Because we all know it won't be. I'm just saying that personally, getting a new perspective on time would increase my happiness.

I've started making to do lists. I got a day planner. I write EVERYTHING down. I hate forgetting to be somewhere, or forgetting to do something. And the wonderful thing about list making is that it gives one the sense of accomplishment when one can cross something off.

You don't have to do everything in one day. No one expects you to. But just try to do what you can. Prioritize. Take advantage of every moment you have. Make each moment a shining moment.

This is not where I was planning on going with this at all. Thus, I'll redirect.

Every day, each and every one of us has good things in our lives. I call these shining moments. We need to learn to appreciaite them and take advantage of all the good.

For example, my mom makes me breakfast every single morning. She brings it to my room while I'm in the shower. Sometimes, I don't have time to eat it. But despite that, I know that it will always be there. This is one good thing in my life that I don't always notice.

Make the most of the good. Improve those moments. Recognize those in your life that put those shining moments there for you. Make shining moments for others. Cherish them. Notice them. Make those the central focus of your life, not the bad. Improve your shining moments, and I can guarantee you that your life will be better.