forever

Okay. No one reads this any more, and I really just need to vent. Screw word choice and sentance fluency. I'm just gonna write.

I don't like change. I just want things to be how they used to be. There was one time in my life that i was completely happy with my situation, and it was sometime in ninth grade. No one was mad at me, and I was friends with everyone that i wanted to be. Then i started falling away from some, and falling more into another group. Now that group seems to be abandoning me. I didn't believe anyone when they told me high school changes everything. All my friends are doing things i know they shouldn't. I'm not going to follow them. Thats not me. I'm not going to swear. I'm not going to sluff (too much). I'm not going to go make out with random boys. I'm not addicted to shopping. I still get along with my parents. Moreso now, actually, than ever before. I feel like i don't belong anywhere. It seems like i'm an acquaintance to everyone. There's only one boy I really like, and he talks to me about his girl problems all the time. And i'm definitely involved in any of them. Sadly enough, I lost this one to the same girl I lost thatcher to. Its really frustrating to just think about. But this boy is one of my best friends. I can't tell him i still like him, it might mess things up. And I don't want to loose yet another friendship. I want to fit in, but not with the "in crowd" or whatever. I just want to fit in with my FRIENDS. I'm the one they keep around just to make fun of. I can't seem to do anything right. Everything i do with them is somehow wrong. I don't get it. They all like, know something that i don't. I don't know. I just hate it. During lunch, i walk around, and see all these people i know, but i'm not really friends with. Yeah, i can stop and say hi, but i don't fit in. I've become the random girl. Every once in awhile, I'll find some people i can really chill with, but usually I'm alone. And i'm sick of it.

Relationships. Yeah, i want one. I'm not gonna lie. They're nice. Just to know someone cares about you. And you don't have to worry about them not liking you back or whatever. I just want someone to talk to. About anything. I want to get that feeling again. That "bah" feeling. I want to fall in love. I just want to hold hands with the boy i really like. And just sit. and feel good about myself. Yeah, i like dating around and all, but I'm usually the one taking the boy on the date. I'm just not that girl that every boy wants to take out. I just want one. I only need one. But my mom pointed something out the other day, and it was reemphasized in seminary. I'm a game player. I'm in it for the chase. Once i get a boy, i tend to run the other way. I've only stuck around once, and it ended up hurting me. But at the same time, it was so wonderful. I just want to be cared about. I know i'm not the most beautiful girl, and i know i'm not a genius. But I try my best. I'm yet to find someone that really likes me for me. Every boy has too high of expectations. It seems to me like it should be the guys competing for the girls, but its backwards. Girls are just trying to catch boys. Its hard to find a good one, and when there is one, the girls flock. They follow. They obsess. And i always lose. I'm always just the friend. Or Robert's sister. Or the back up plan. Or the "other girl." I just want to be cared about. By one boy. I don't even have very high expectations. I just want a smart boy, that can really impress me with his words, and that can talk to me, and make sense, and be reasonable. Thats all i want.

church is so confusing right now. It seems like....school. You know when you fall behind? and you just have this feeling, in the back of your mind, all the time, that you just need to catch up. thats how i feel.

Thats all for now. I'll be back.